Thursday, May 18, 2017

An Introduction

An Introduction

Kinky As We Are comprises of Haven deLancret and his girl Calla Lillie.  Starting back in 2002 after a weekend at an event, I had talked with many people and it seemed like every story I heard that weekend involved people's disappointment about relationships.  Sitting on a Monday after, I couldn’t get my mind off all these conversations.  Like any good geek, I turned to books and research, added my own thoughts and wrote advice blogs back on an ancient social media site called MySpace.  My first few posts got heaps of traffic and were shared by many friends.  This led to comments and messages outside of my friends circle.  I realized I needed to move this off my private page and into something public.  So here you are, Kinky As We Are was born.

Now before you continue reading there is one thing I wish to make absolutely clear. We are not doctors or psychiatrists. The advice and thoughts we share are our own take on these problems and should not be taken as anything more. We write about relationships, kinks, and sex because we like to and in sharing these thoughts have had others comment that it is good advice, or we had a good grasp of situations facing most couples and singles in today’s fast-paced world.

Haven deLancret was raised in a sexually open household (No, not the naked criminal kind), but my parents were open to talking about any problems I may have been having with sex or relationships. A lot of what they taught me growing up flavors what I now write today. Add in a personal need for information and desire to be great in bed (who doesn’t!) I have, and continue to research sex, fetishes, foreplay, relationships, massage, BDSM and anything else I could find that might help me in my quest. Some resources were great, most were not. In all this searching and researching I have found a lot of information did not present itself to make others want to know more.  I had always had a knack for presenting information if I felt I might help fill that gap.  

Calla Lillie was raised in a middle American home for most of her life where sex was talked a little but not embraced.  She had her wild time, like most, as a teenager where she found some things she liked but felt that there was something more.  The more was found when she met Haven in the early 2000s.  She then has taken to research and has gone in search of her own knowledge.  Exploring sex, BDSM, kink, and many others she has become another valuable resource.

Together, Haven and Calla share their knowledge and stories in an entertaining and enlightening way.  As with all things, your mileage may vary, and we are always open to new ideas.  We are firm believers in always learning and think of ourselves as perpetual student of life and relationships. So if you have info that you want, questions for us, or just want to say Hello, drop us a line!

Thank you and keep it kinky!

-Haven deLancret & Calla Lillie

24/7 BDSM Dynamics and Real Life

You walk in from a long day of work, your submissive is kneeling just inside the door naked, collared with a the lead to the leach in one palm and your favorite drink upon the other.  Sounds awesome, right? Until you realize that the old lady down the street walking her Pomeranian just had a heart attack and the dog is now charging you snarling.  Or maybe the issue is that the kids were also home from school looking at the two of you and you are now wondering how much their therapy bills are going cost you.  

We all have those dreams that we have constructed from years of books, movies or how we see someone else living the lifestyle that we want for ourselves.  However, there is this thing called life that just keeps rearing its ugly head getting in the way of making those ideals reality.  Now it's not to say that having those dreams, you should, but how do you get those dreams into reality is what I hope to help you with today.  

Let's start with the dream. What do you picture as your perfect 24 hours a day, seven days a week BDSM lifestyle?  In fact, I am going to tell you to write it down.  Doesn’t matter what side of the coin you're on either.  Master or slave, Dominant or submissive, if you're in a relationship both of you should separately write down what you picture as the picture perfect version.  Now I hear you ask in the back of your head “If I can have it, why should I share it?”  Yes you may not be able to have it all, but you can find ways to have parts of it and maybe even parts that you have already dismissed as unattainable.  

Now that you have your ideal relationship, break it down into bullet points or parts.  Look at each point and think about if you can do it.  If you are already in a relationship, talk about each point together and see if you can find a way to incorporate it. Tweak the idea and make it fit your situation.  As an example, let's go back to the opening.  Kneeling when you get home can't happen, but maybe it could at the end of the night when you both retire to the bedroom.  Have your submissive go the the room a little before the dominant.  Then when the dominant goes to bed, they get to open the bedroom door on their submissive kneeling and waiting for them.  When you're done you should have a list of BDSM protocols or rituals that you can use to sprinkle BDSM throughout your day.

Some of the ideas or points just will not be able, no matter how hard you try to be incorporated into your life and that's OK too.  Just don’t forget them.  Using the door kneeling example again, so you can’t find a way to make that work for the two of you on a daily base, make it a situational protocol, of for us we call it a High Protocol.  These we use when we take a trip, party, or event.  With the kneeling at the door, this could be used in a hotel room by letting sub get ready while the dominant goes out to get something from the car or for ice.  Another one we have used at play parties is to have the submissive set up the toys and area and then kneel when all was ready for the dominant to start the scene.  

Something else to keep in mind when you are working on your protocols is to not be upset if one of them can’t be incorporated.  Keep it in the list so that both you can maybe work it into your life later, but work hard not to blame, or make your partner feel bad because life just doesn’t allow for something.  Using the kneeling at the door again, if your sub has medical issues within their legs, kneeling might be right out no matter where.  It's not their fault, so it is unfair to hold that against them.

I would also suggest that you may use these protocols to start your contract or guidelines.  Having the expectations laid out in writing will help make sure that the expectations are known by everyone. Now I will also add that life changes, ebbs and flows like a river, so should your protocols.  So always feel free to revisit your protocols, modify them to your new life, maybe add some, or maybe some will have to be dropped to only special occasions.  

If you have gotten to the end of this and are asking yourself, Where are all the ideas of what to do I have purposely left them out.  Your ideal 24/7 relationship is as individualistic as rose petals (plus there are tons of lists out there).  That is up to you and what you want.  Each person is different and as such your dynamic will be different to.  Make it your own, and be proud of it.  

As always, keep it kinky!

-Haven deLancret & Calla Lillie

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Rebranding, Reworking, Reorganizing, a whole lot of Re-ing going on!

Good morning Vietnam! (or where ever you are.)

I just wanted to let all of you out there in the interwebs know that we here are not gone.  We did take a much needed break to focus on some life issues that needed our attention.

The first news worthy mention is the name change.  We are now Kinky As We Are.  Years ago when this project started it was something I was doing for myself.  Over the years, my girl Calla has become more and more an integral part this venture.  To that end, our new name represents that.  So please bare with us as we go through and rename everything and get it all sorted out.

Next, we have been hard at work here at the Rabbit Hole working on new material.  Keep an eye out for new class offerings, new blog posts and, well, NEW!!!

We will also be going over all our old posts. We have been doing sex and kink education for over a decade now and we want to update those posts with new information, clarifications and new insights that we have gleaned from these years.

So sit back, strap in, and keep your arms and legs inside at all times!


Sunday, September 8, 2013

Our Presentations

Below is a list of my presentations. If you're interested in booking me for your next event, you can find that info here.

Kink 101/Spicing up your relationship
We all have to start somewhere, and this is a great place to do just that. Come learn some of the common fetishes and kinks, basic kink safety, terminology, and some tips to finding others that have the same interests. Let me give you a guided tour of kink along with some ideas on how you too can get kinky!

1 hour presentation

Vocabulary of BDSM
Dominant, submissive, top, bottom, toys, limits, safewords, scenes, Dacryphilia, behavior modification, daddy, babygirl, Mongolian cluster fuck... What the hell does it all mean? Well Haven deLancret will shed some light on the language used more commonly within BDSM and kink. This class will give you the groundwork of that language so that you can find what you're into as well as your partner from a real person and not Urban-dictionary. And yes, there will be a test.

1 hour presentation

The Sensual Sadist
There are two sides to every coin. The same goes for most kinky activities. Sensual play is the opposite of hard play. They both have their advantages and bring forth different reactions in your bottom. From using softer objects for hard play to the softer side of a paddle. By using sensual play in your scenes you might be able to bring out new and wonderful reactions in your bottom. Come see how to incorporate sensual play into your scene from a Sensual Sadist!

2 hour presentation

Relationship Communication
Communication, we are all told to do it, but sometimes we lack the how to do it. Well that can end here. Come and learn some new ideas on how to openly talk with your lovers on topics of sex, kink, and fetishes. From how to break the ice to some basic terminology so you know what it is you really want. If communication is the key, your silence is the lock...

2 hour presentation

BDSM on a Budget
Where to find inexpensive toys, thinking outside the box in a big box store, how to make a few inexpensive toys, and much more. If you have some inexpensive toys, feel free to bring them and share where you found them.

1 hour presentation

The Fun-damentals of Poly
Listen and learn some of the basic concepts and ideas of polyamory. From the why, to the how. Even some ideas on conquering some of the most frequent issues with jealousy, intimacy, and time management. Also learn some of the pro's and con's of this kind of relationship.

2 hour presentation

Switch/Switching, The Role of Balance
So you like to do it all, you like to balance all of it in your life. You want to flog and be flogged, you like to control and be controlled. Are you just plain greedy and want it all? This is a presentation on switching and the balancing act that comes with it. The problems and tribulations that can come from desiring both sides of the coin, the sense of serenity that can come from finding that balance, and all the other fun sides of knowing that you want it all.

2 hour presentation

Dominance and Submission
The behavioral side of BDSM. A presentation on the control, the freedom, the power, and the service that can be found within the dynamic of Dominant and submissive. This will focus on the behavior found in most D/s relationships, looking inside yourself as to what you want in this type of relationship, and as well as other aspects of Dominance and submission, and even switching between the two.

2 hour presentation

Knife, and Scratch Play
Learn the power, excitement and sensuality that can be found at the edge of a blade against the skin. Learn how to use knifes, claws, large blades, even your own nails in scenes and other sexual fun. Feel free to bring your own blades and see that any edge can be used in this way.

1 hour presentation

Playing with Fire 101
I want to set you on fire! No really, we are going to cover the basics of playing with fire torches and fire cupping. Fire safety will be discussed at length, but also how to incorporate it into your scenes, how it can be a scene itself, and some other benefits of fire. This is the class designed for those that have never played with fire outside of grandpa's garage and now want to bring it into the bedroom.

2 hour presentation

Acting Class for the Bedroom and BDSM
We call them scenes, so lets take it further. If its a scene then you are the actors, in that respect I will show you some skills and tricks to help you become the lead in your scenes. From some basic acting skills, to how to take a role further than you thought you could, or even to express your inner self. While these roles are who we are, and in that respect are you, I want to show how a few simple tricks can bring that role out even more during your scenes.

1 hour presentation

Presentation on Presenting
Ever wanted to share your hard earned knowledge with others? Been to a class or presentation and thought, I could do that better? Here is your chance to, learn about the skills needed to be a presenter. Hear about pitfalls to avoid, how to keep an audience attention, preparation and others. I have been presenting, speaking in public and standing up in front of crowds for over 20 years, and I will pass on the experience to you.

3 hour presentation

Parenting and Alternative Lifestyles
Here you are exploring, or diving head first into a new lifestyle, as a parent and the question I know has crossed your mind "Am I going to fuck up my kids life?" Come listen to Haven deLancret talk about exactly that from both as a child that was raised by geeky, pagan, poly, kinky, D/s, SCA, (maybe more) parents who is also raising kids of his own within many of those same lifestyles and others. Stories will be shared of his own experiences as well as the experiences of his many friends and family from those lifestyles.

3 hour presentation

Dominant vs. Abuse
There is a difference, and everyone should be aware of them All of us should know what those signs are, how they can be avoided, and so we can weed out those people from our lives. Come learn what the differences are, what red flags to look for within those differences, and how you might also help point them out to others in your community.

1 hour presentation

Humiliation and Degradation
A presentation on how to incorporate humiliation and degradation into your scenes. Information on why some enjoy this kind of activity, as well as why its not for everyone. I will also share some of the pitfalls that come with this kind of activity and hopefully how you can avoid them. Focusing on not only the how, but also on preparation and aftercare. Short demo to be included.

2 hour presentation

Bondage for Sex
A presentation on bondage for sex using rope, cuffs and other items you may have around the house. Demonstrations on positioning, placement, and other information on how to bring bondage into your sex life. Basic bondage cautions will be covered alongside preparation and aftercare. *Note: No intercourse involved in demonstration.

2 hour presentation

Dungeon Master, a how to
Dungeon Master or Monitor. Come learn what to look for, how watch a room, and how to handle issues that may arise when Monitoring a play party. While some rules change for party to party, there are always some that stay the same. Learn these as well as basic crowd control techniques and common curtsies.

2 hour presentation.

If you have any questions about any of my presentation, feel free to contact me at

-Haven deLancret

Friday, June 14, 2013

BDSMers more adjusted then vanillas.

A good read. I have thought this for years.


Saturday, May 11, 2013

Updated Presentation Schedule.

South Bend IN Munch Edge Play Presentation.  06/01/13 Will post link when FetLife comes back up.

Explorations 2, Bloomfield, MI.  6/15/13  Again, links once FetLife is working.

I am negotiating for more vents, I will post them once the have become secure.


Friday, April 12, 2013

A little update

I have been busy as of late.  Been doing presentations and prepping for more coming up.

Just got done doing four presentations at Club 616 in Grand Rapids.  Was a great crowd and a lot of fun.  Spread the word of pleasure from pain with edge play presentation with a few willing victims going under my knifes.  I also think that I helped a lot of people understand there own desires and maybe even there own relationships better.  Over all a great time.

A the end of the month I will start helping a local club that just started at one of the private colleges.  I will also be traveling down to South Bend for an Edge play presentation.  Followed by Explorations mid June.

I am also looking at starting up my pod casts.

Stay tuned!


Monday, April 1, 2013

Club 616 this weekend!

Looking for something to do this weekend? Why not join me at Club 616 for their fantasy and fetish weekend. I will be doing presentations on BDSM 101, Dominance and submission, Edge play, and Bondage for sex.

Hope to see you there!

Friday, February 15, 2013

After Valentine's day

Its the day after Valentine's day, and I hope yours was great.

Something to remembered, any day can have the same feelings as Valentine's day. Some random day bring home flowers for your partner. On a Wednesday night, slip on some sexy clothes and surprise your partner.

Doing this will keep the passion from Valentine's in your relationship all year long.


Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Blogs and podcasts

Now accepting questions for up coming blogs and podcast.  So what have you always wanted to know or what has been burning a hole on your cortex?


Monday, January 28, 2013

Need some help

So I am looking for more things to write about.  I just can't seem to think of anything new to write on, or to expand upon.  So I come to you my readers, what is it that you want to know about, want to know more about, or even just have a questions about.

Getting responses and feedback from you, helps me know what to write.  So please take some time, send me a message here, in the anonymous box to the right, or send me an email at  Let me know what you want to read!

Thanks, and as always,

Keep it kinky!


Thursday, January 24, 2013

Scenes in BDSM

So I was asked recently to explain a scene in BDSM. This is one of those terms used a lot in BDSM. The short version is to look at it like a scene in a movie “a part of action in a single location.” A scene in BDSM can be short or long, and involve one or many types of play. Scenes can be done solo with one person doing a certain task or series of tasks, or involve as many people as needed. It’s one of the many terms that is very fluid and can mean many things.

For me, most of my scenes involve my pet babygirl who is my submissive. For the most part, our scenes usually have many types of play in them as we both love the variety and spontaneity that having so many options gives us. This means that a scene may or may not have impact, fire, edge, wax, rope, behavioral, pain, pleasure, sensation, and anything else I can think of.

I like my scenes to be very fluid; in a way like the old saying “No plan ever survives first contact with the enemy.” I have found more times than not that when I have set out precise plan for a scene, that it will not follow that plan. Things change, desires can change mid scene, bodies might not agree with some types of play at that time, etc.

When I am preparing for a scene, I do like to start at the end and work my way back. When I want to scene, I usually have something that I want to accomplish by the scene. That could be anything from making her cry, sending her into subspace, trying a new toy for the first time, or working on a specific tie.

After I have that idea in place, I will set about setting the space with the necessary items. Laying crops, whips, floggers, canes, rope, etc within reach so I don’t have to step away. If the scene might get messy, I make sure there are towels nearby as well. I set the aftercare items nearby, like her blanket, candy, and water. I will also take time to set the mood of the space. If it is going to be a dark scene, I light some candles leaving most of the space shrouded in darkness. On the other hand, if it’s going to be an interrogation scene, then I get out the bright work lights. Either way, I make the lighting fit the effect I want on the scene.

Last is music for the scene. I have a few playlists that I have set up for types of scenes. Most start slow and build with speed and tempo as the scene progresses. Others are just a mix of good music to have in the background of any scene. I also have some files of just sound effects if that is what I want. Some are full of the sounds of a dungeon, people being beaten and crying, another is just the sound of wind and trees. It all depends on what I want the scene to be.

Then we scene… Use your imagination here…

Ok, so now that the scene is done, one of the things that I do is ask for a scene report within 24 hours of the end scene. This scene report is simply the submissive or bottoms feelings about the scene. It can be just feelings or very specific on how each part felt. The reason that it can be vague is that once some bottoms get into the scene what’s actually happening stops being remembered… They can remember that something happened, but they couldn’t tell you what did it. I have had bottoms forget that a toy was used at all, to confuse it with another one. In one case I have a bottom tell me that she loved the use of the paddle I used, but I hadn’t used a paddle in the scene…

The scene report helps me, as the top know what worked for the bottom, what was liked, what was not, what reactions were gotten, etc. I also will sometimes right my own thoughts after a scene. Sometimes I share this with the bottom, sometimes not it depends on the scene. Either way, this is a learning tool, a communication tool, to help everyone become better at what they are doing.

So there you have it, a sum up of a scene.

Questions, comments, concerns, feel free to shoot me a message.


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Booking Haven deLancret

Thank you for your interest in having me present at your next event.  These are the presentations that I can do. Before contracting me about your event, please have an idea of what presentations you would like.

My standard compensation is

  • $100.00 USD per hour presentation or class
  • Travel expenses from Kalamazoo, MI
  • Entrance into your event for myself and my girl, Calla Lillie.  
  • If you would like me to present on more then one day, or, I am travelling more then four hours then I will also ask for overnight accommodation be provided.
I am willing to be flexible and negotiate on compensation, so do not be afraid to contact me for fear of not being able to afford the compensation.  You contact me for booking info at  I look forward to hearing from you!

-Haven deLancret

Friday, April 13, 2012

Sub-Shop Closing

So I found out last night that one of my favorite adult toys stores is closing.  Autumn's Sub Shop will be closing its doors soon.  I have bought many toys from them, recommended them to many of you, and while it saddens me to see this great site go down (snicker) for the last time, they are clearancing out everything until they close.

Check them out before they close,

Keep it kinky!