Sunday, February 28, 2010

Role-playing, Domination and submission for sex only

This week's topic is about role-playing Domination and submission.  This will deal with only the domination and submission side of BDSM.  I will touch on the rough side of sex incorporated and usually associated with Dom/sub play, but rough sex as a whole is discussed in another blog.  Also, there will be a blog about fulltime Dom/sub relationships and other parts of BDSM later...
 
Domination and submission when role-playing, as I will discuss it here, simply means that during a set time (also known as a scene) each partner will take on a specific role. One being the Dominant (Dom) and the other being the submissive (sub).  They continue to play these roles until one person calls an end to the scene.  A scene can be as short as an hour romp in the hay or as long as entire day of sexual debauchery.
 
I can't stress enough the importance of safety when it comes to role-playing, bondage, or any part of sex that involves one person giving any control over to another.  Set up a safe word, memorize it, and use it.  A safe word is the word used by either party when things have gone too far.  It can be that a boundary has been crossed or that the person is feeling uncomfortable about the situation.  This safe word should a word that would never ever come up in your sexual play.  Red, aardvark, pad, etc are just some examples of safe words.   Some couples use something similar to a stop light code. Example, Red, yellow, green. Red meaning stop right now. Yellow meaning your getting a bit too aggressive I like what you are doing. Just not so hard etc… Green meaning I really like that but want it harder or more of it.
 
In most cases this will be used by the sub to tell the Dom to stop.  If you're thinking, "well I'm the Dominate, the sub does not get to control things I do, that's being a dominate" then I can tell you that you have no respect for your partner and should never be given any kind of control.  Control is power and some people just can't be trusted with power. Ultimately the submissive should have control with the safe words.
 
Now I'm not going to try and explain the inner workings of the mind when it comes to why some people like to be controlled and why others like to control.  People do, and that's that.  What I will tell you is how to explore these sides of yourself.  Some people have always wanted to explore what it would be like to be dominant, others to be submissive.  Whether it was the first time you got wet or hard watching princess Leia chained to Jaba the Hut, or you would get into trouble just to get spanked at school by the hot teacher (well, back in the day when they could do that)
 
Let's begin with some quick definitions, just so we're all on the same page.  A dominant is someone that takes charge of the scene, directs the scene, and takes control over the submissive during the scene. A submissive is under the control of the dominant, shows submissiveness to the dominant, and in most cases only does what the dominant wants.
 
As with all things not considered "main stream" with sex, you should talk about what you want with your partner.  Talking things out will let you both know what you each wish from your sex life together.  It also is a good time to set what are called hard limits or boundaries. A hard limit is something you will not allow to happen to you. Examples would be. You will not allow any electric play, needle play, spanking of the nipples, biting etc... Whatever your hard limit (don't go there) is. And these may change as time goes by and you learn new things. Now I know that not everyone is open or willing to talk directly about their desires for fear of rejection.  This is a sad state, but a true one.  If you're unsure of how your partner will react to these desires here are a few things that you can do to test the waters of domination and submission.
 
How you test the waters depends on what role you wish to play.  If you wish to play the part of the Dom then you will need to see if your partner is receptive to being the sub.  Since most of what we are talking about is in the mood of the sex, talking during sex or scene plays a big role in this role playing.  Start with giving them some simple commands during sex and see how they react.  Start small, during foreplay, look them in the eye and tell them in an authoritative tone to suck or lick you.  Another is during sex to tell them, again in an authoritative tone to change positions.  IE, guys tell her to get on her hands and knees.  Girls, tell him to lie on his back.
 
Another way is to try and take control of the sex very softly.  While you're on top try grabbing your partner's wrists and slowly slide them above your head.  Hold their wrists there firmly but without causing them any pain.  Don't use your hands to support your weight, as this can cause painful force on the wrists.  If they struggle a little that's fine, that's taking control of them, but if they look truly scared, are struggling greatly, telling you to stop, or are not paying any attention to the sex anymore stop immediately!
 
For those that wish to explore the sub role you can try a direct approach and during foreplay whisper in your partner's ear that you want them to tell you what they want you to do.  You can also think ahead of what your partner usually likes and so do it before they make any move to.  When your partner is on top, you can also take their hands and place them on your wrists above your head.
While during any of the above, watch for your partner's reactions.  This is going to tell you how they are responding to your actions.  If she grinds into you harder, he thrusts harder, or they get that turned on glint in their eye then you know that it's time to talk about it.
 
This seems to be the hardest part for anyone.  Telling your partner what you want. But if you are the Dom you can make that part of the roll play by telling that person they have to tell you. It is an unfortunate byproduct of our society that certain fetishes and desires are labeled taboo or disgusting by the masses of uneducated leaders.  So, unfortunately, you must first understand and overcome your own inhibitions and accept your own desires.  Once you have done that, then you are confronted by having to go through it all over again with another person hoping they will feel the same or at least be willing to experiment.
 
Testing the waters will give you an idea if they might be interested or not.  If you feel they are, then you must talk about it further and see where it goes.  I suggest doing it as soon after you have tested the waters and feel they might be ready.  Having the thoughts and feelings of great sex involving a taste of what you want to do will go a long way in getting them interested.  Also note that there are some things people really want to do. But feel they can't. If a Dom/me tell them they have to do it. Knowing that inside they would like to but feel it’s dirty etc… They might be more willing to explore that. Example, The person really wants to do ass play, but is too shy to say so. So the Dom says. I am tying you down and we are doing Ass play. If the Sub really doesn't like it, that's what the safe word is for. Always remind that often to use the safe words at anytime if they are not comfortable. Also remind them that you are in control now they can just let control go and let you be responsible. Then again remind them of safe words. Make them from time to time tell you safe words. Example, what are your safe words. Sub should answer you with the safe words than Master/Mistress or whatever works for the two of you.
 
The best advice I can give you is to ask your partner if they liked what you did to test the waters.  If they say yes, then you should be home free.  If no, then ask; why?  Don't be judgmental and make sure you let them know that you want to know because you care about them and their feelings.  Once you have established that this is something that you both wish to explore more then you should take turns telling each other what you want to try.  Now as much fun as finally talking about what you want can be, you should also both discuss anything that might be off limits. Set up boundaries (also known as a Hard limit), so that you both are happy. If you feel that your partner has a boundary that is unrealistic, talk about it, but do not under any circumstances tell them to change it.  Talk about it, ask them why, but do not make your partner feel pressured to change it.
 
Boundaries could be as simple as; don't make me face a wall on my knees, as they will not handle kneeling for long periods of time.  Make sure you go over them, and that you remember them.  It may sound corny, but writing them down isn't such a bad idea.  In fact, I encourage it.
 
I can't tell you how you should be a dominant, for that's something you need to decide for yourself.  I can tell you what others have done and how others feel what a dominant is.  The easiest place to start is to figure out what you want to happen in the scene.  Basically come up with a script for what you wish to happen and how it will unfold.  Don't be unrealistic; start small and work your way up.  Take time setting up the scene. Setting up the scene is part of the fun. The anticipation is part of the fun. Sometimes you can set up the scene early in the day and let the submissive see it and know they only get it as a reward later. But that might be more for 24/7. Be willing to go with the flow too, you may have a great idea of what you want to happen, but as thing unfold the scene may take on its own feel and mood.  Go with it, there will be time and chances to try for what you had originally wanted later.
 
Being dominate means simply taking charge of the scene and making the decisions of what's going to happen and what's not.  You can be as demanding and forceful as you want and your sub will allow or you can control by simple soft commands as well.  It's up to you and your partner to decide as to how far you will take this.  Some Doms are loud and demanding in a "Suck me NOW" demeanor.  Others are less demanding and ask "I want you to suck me now". This is really up to you and your partner as to how you both will take this step.
Being dominant is being in control and exerting that control on your sub, it does not mean being a cold heartless asshole.  If you disregard your sub's feelings it should and will probably be the last time that you are put into control.  As the Dom it is your responsibility to care about your partner as they play your sub.  Unless previously agreed to, this means that you should make sure that they are enjoying what's going on as much as you do, or at least that if you are the only one receiving pleasure at that point then they will have their turn later. You could ask them. Do you like this? And have them answer yes Mistress/Master. If they are into humiliation that would be a good spot to say bitch, little girl, slut, or something along those lines.
 
Being submissive in this context is simply giving control over to another.  You're doing what they want to do and usually doing so to please them.  In a role-play scene you are being told how or what the Dom wants you to do and you do it.  The amount of resistance the sub puts up will depend of both of you.  If you have decided together that the sub will completely comply with the Dom or if they will try and fight a bit depends on what the two of you want.  The subs part in this may seem easier, but requires a lot of trust between the partners.  If, as the sub, you do not trust your partner you should not be exploring this until such time as you do.
 
I will touch on rough sex briefly here but I have another blog all about rough sex where I discuss it in greater detail.  If you are going to incorporate rough sex in with your domination and submission play then please read it for further details.  By rough sex I mean sex involving spanking, flogging, being more aggressive with your partner, and using physical force to make them do what you want.  This can be part of your domination play or it may not, again this is up to both partners.
 
Incorporating rougher elements can complement a Dom/sub scene very well, as long as both parties are in agreement about them.  If the Dom just start spanking the sub, well that can lead to some unfortunate consequences, like never being his/her Dom ever again!  So make sure that both of you have agreed on what acceptable and what is not.
 
The same goes for bondage.  Bondage can be using scarves to tie the sub to the bed or just the use of handcuffs.  Again, this should be talked about before you try it.
 
I know that I have stressed a lot about talking to your partner and cannot stress this enough.  Communication is the key to all relationships. Dom/sub, husband/wife etc… and even more important when you add role play. Now I know that this can't always be done, or that one of you may wish to surprise the other and that is all well and good.  This is one of the reasons for the safe word.  If you have the safe word in place, you can be sure that if you do try something new, no matter how sure you are they will like it, that your partner has a way to stop things if they feel uncomfortable. 
 
But I will leave you with this.  No matter how much you talk with your partner, there will be times when the unexpected happens.  Something that neither one of you thought about nor even thought would be a problem.  Be prepared to talk about it.  Why it happened, if it will be a constant problem, and what can be done to keep it from happening again in the future.  You may not think that kneeling will be a problem until the sub has been on their knees for an hour and they start to lock up.  Just be prepared.
 
I hope that if nothing else I have made you think.  Feel free to comment or to ask me any questions you may have, here, or privately.
 
Later!
 
-Haven De Lancret
 
Authors Notes: Thanks to Dinaya for her help with this topic. Also, thanks to all those helping me edit these blogs.

Bondage or the Ties that Bind

BDSM has many facets, but really each one needs to be dealt with separately do see how the all work together.  So here I will discuss just bondage.  Now I know that in a scene or play that is never just bondage, but whether it's a Dom tying up his sub for a night of teasing or hogtieing a masochist for their own safety, bondage has its own guidelines...

I may repeat information that I have already discussed in other posts or blogs but bear with me as I wanted this to be as complete as possible by itself.
For my own ease, throughout this I will refer to "top" and "bottom".  "Top" for the one doing the binding, and "bottom" for the one being bound.  This is purely for ease of writing and for no other reason.

Bondage 101

Here are the basics of bondage, where we all started.  Think of this a quick start guild to exploring the world of bondage.  First and foremost is safety, then basic equipment and tools of the trade, and lastly clean up and aftermath.

Safety, I cannot stress enough the importance of this.  The safety of the person being bound is bare none the most important thing in bondage even more so then the getting off.  The first of which is a safe word or signal.  This can be anything but it is suggested that it not be something that comes up in you sexual act or scene.  So "Ouch, you son of a bitch" is not a good safe word as you never know when that just might be said.  Good words are "Red", "Nine" (as in German for no), or you mothers name (But who knows that might be your fetish).  The main thing is that you talk about it and discus a safe word before the first cuff is tightened.

In some situations (like a gagged bottom) a safe word is just not possible; the solution is a sign or signal.  I personal favorite for this is practice golf balls in each of the bottoms hands.  They are light, easy to hold, and are very hard to brake from dropping of squeezing.  If the bottom drops one ball then I know that she is starting to get uncomfortable and needs the scene to take another direction.  If both drop then it's all stop and time to get her ungagged to find out the problem… If the first thing she says is the safe word after the gag comes off, well you get the idea.

Now that we have covered the necessities, on to the fun stuff!  Basic bondage can does not have to be expensive.  You probably have some basic stuff already in your house (refer to my post on spicing up sex on a budget).  Scarfs, nylons, belts, heck even a long tube sock can be used for bondage.  Use your imagination and look around your house with a whole new eye. 

Let's start with basic binding of wrists and ankles to each other.  Just tying someone's wrists behind their back with a scarf can add whole new twists to sexual fun.   No matter what you use, make sure that it is loose enough that you can fit one finger comfortably under the tie.  Loss of circulations is bad and means the limb is not getting enough blood.  No matter what you use, I suggest making one big loop around both wrists or ankles then looping the remainder around that loop between the wrists or ankles.  This allows for less constricting and also allows for a lead for you to pull on if needed.

If you want to buy some basic bondage gear, start with cuffs.  I suggest starting with soft Velcro ones as they are easy on and off, don't chaff if worn while getting sweaty, and are cheap.  Most of them come with one cuff having a clip to attach to the other.  Most of these can take a good amount of pulling on without coming apart but mostly how much pull they can take will depend on how much of the Velcro is attached. Later one you can buy a few more sets and mix and match for more fun, like combining two cuffs into one big thigh cuff, etc.

Another cheep start is a snapping collar.  Again, easy on and off, adds that little look of submissiveness to the bottom, and most can be found with some great sayings like "Slut", "Bitch" or "Slave".  Most of these do not come with attachment points for any kind of lead or to attach the cuffs, but you can add your own but slipping on a few key rings before putting the collar on the bottom.

Also good for the beginner are tethers, straps, and leashes, leads.  Tethers and straps are great for beginning tie downs, but a warning.  Before you use tethers and straps to bind a bottom you should test what you are going to use as an anchor.  IE, test how much yanking your head board can take before you use it.  Most of these come with a few clips, but picking up a few more mini carabiners so you don't run out or need a bigger clip.

Bondage Tape is another great inexpensive bondage toy.  It's like real tape but it only sticks to itself.  This can be great for binding wrists, ankles, arms, legs, or even wrapping your bottom to a chair or table.

Intermediate

So now that you have had some time playing with the basics, and your looking to up the stakes now.  Now we are going to cover: setting up anchor points on your bed, chain, basic rope, and spreader bars.  Now that we are getting into more serious bondage, again make sure that both top and bottom are wanting to take it to this step.

Unfortunately, it's time to start spending some money.  How much, well that's going to be up to you, but as with most things you get what you pay for.  But I will try and give you some pointers on how you can keep it reasonable when it comes to cost.  Use your imagination; some of the best bondage gear is right in front of you when you shop the hardware store or large box store.

Let's start this section with some basic anchor points.  Most of us don't have the space to build a dungeon in your house (But I'm working on it!) and some of us really don't want a full St. Andrews cross in the living room. Anchor points can be just about anything that you use to "anchor" a bottom to.  One of the easiest is an under the mattress system.  These can be as simple as straps run under the bed with ends coming out at all four corners.  These work ok and are easily transported, but do not stay in place well and can slide around the under the bed if pulled on to hard.

A much better option is using a sheet of plywood between you box spring and mattress.  You can then attach straps or rope to the board and bring them out to be used.  This way the straps stay put better, gives you a much stronger base to pull on, and you don't have to worry about the bottom pulling really hard on one side just to have the strap on the other leg tighten. Both of these options are good for concealment because when you are done playing you can just shove the straps between the mattresses. NOTE: I highly do not recommend using chain this way.  The chain rubbing against your mattress can ruin it.

For those of you that don't care if some of your anchor points are seen, and own your home then using a stud finder and some strong eye bolts in the walls, ceiling, and bed are always a popular option.  If you're going this rout, you might as well go all the way and get porch swing eyebolts.  This way you know that no matter how much you pull or yank on them they will not come out (That, and you never know when you might want to grab the same strap that's holding the top and use it for balance or leverage).

All of these anchor points are good and can be used for a multitude of fun with stuff you already have.  Tethers and straps can all be attached to these points and then to cuffs or collars to keep the bottom where you want them.  If you want to give a more medieval look to your bondage fun, pick up some chain.  Just like your anchors, make sure you buy strong enough chain, twice the weight of the bottom would suffice.  I personally love the look of chain, but not the after effects.  So be warned as chain sliding on beds, walls, or wood can damage them and can have a really great scene end badly with "Aw crap, look at the wall…"

At this point, you make also want to look at some rope.  Rope is very versatile and can be any tops best friend or worst enemy.  To start, let's stick to using rope for tethering and save putting rope on the body for later.  To start, I would pick up some utility rope, about 1/4 inch thick and about 50ft long of a color that you like.  Once you have your rope, cut it into 30ft length and 20ft length (these are the most common lengths for ties).  This will give you plenty of versatility with your rope. 

Simple uses of rope in this way are running though your eyebolts in the walls and ceiling so that you do not have to reach to attach the cuffs to the rope… Then slowly raise your bottoms arms above their head (drool).  Another is wrapping rope around the top and bottom of the bed and tying tightly to.  Throw in a few loops and you have some more anchor points on the bed.  You can even lace the rope through all your anchor points giving you sliding anchor points around your room and bed to attach to.

Another great tool of any top is the spreader bar.  The name really sums it up, a bar that keeps things spread.  Now you have a lot of different options when it comes to these.  There are some absolutely beautiful ones that you can buy.  Another option is to kinkify something that's not, like go to your local Wally world and check out the automotive accessories. You will find a clothing bar that supposed to hook onto each of your rear seats "oh shit" handles. Let's see, it expands, it has loops on either end, it can handle a good amount of weight… yup it's a spreader bar!

Lastly you can make your own.  There are two popular ways that I know (and probably more that I don't).  First is using a simple dowel rod cut to whatever length you want, but 2 and 3 feet are the most common.  Drill and mount eyebolts to the ends and maybe one in the center if you want, and there you go.  You can even stain the rod to match your bedroom furniture if you're so inclined. 

Another way is using PVC pipe and rope.  Drill out a hole in the center of the length of PVC (again 2-3 is good) Using a bent up metal coat hook, feed the rope into the hole you made in the center and pull loops out of both end of the PVC.  Loop the rope out either end around your bottom and pull on the middle rope to tighten.  Note: This works and its cheep, but I don't like it because the rope can become too tight, the PVC can cut if it is not sanded down…  But it's a hell of a lot less work.

Advanced

So you and your SO are really getting into bondage, to the point that you have finished off your basement so you can have a dungeon or "Dungeon Space" was on the list of requirements you gave your Realtor.  Well then, let's get into the good stuff.  Locking collars, cuffs, maniacal, posture collars, cages, locking spreader bars, and bondage vibrators.

Now some of this I have placed in the advanced section sole because it is not for everyday bondage use and if you're going to use it you need to take some time and make the proper precautions and preparations to use.  Now I'm not going to drum you about safe words again.  No this time I mean taking time to set scenes, and prep work before hand, and scheduling enough time so that you don't feel rushed when you are playing. 

The biggest is if you are going to be using anything locking that will take longer to get off or out of.  Basically I mean make sure that you will not be disturbed for a long time if you are going to use them, IE, No kids at home, don't try and use them if you're having fun the hour before the plumber gets there, etc.  You have come far enough with bondage that you are setting aside most of a day or an entire night to it.  This is time to get out all the toys, have them arranged on a side table within easy reach.

Also, if you are using anything that locks, make sure you know where the key is at all times.  I prefer to put it on a lanyard around my neck or hung from a specific hook within easy reach and view (It also fun to put it around your bottoms neck so they can see the key but are helpless to get it…) 

Posture collars are another one of those thing things that I feel you should hold off on until you are sure of you want to use them.  My reasoning behind this they are expensive, not everyone can wear them, and they can hurt if worn wrong or if struggled in too much.  So really, try them but do so with knowing that it may not work.

We have all seen them, those great photos where the bottom is bound to the table with a big vibe sitting right on her clit.  So, how do you do it?  It's not really that hard, and this is another great use for bondage tape.  But the hard part is which vibe to use.  Your standard phallus shaped ones are just not good for this.  Really, you need a special vibe for this.  A Hitachi style is really the best for this.

Hardcore, like you see on the web!

Now I know that anyone that has gone looking at photos of bondage has seen just some great set ups in those photos and I know that everyone of us has said "someday, I will have that in my house".  Well here's how you can.  Most of what you see is built so there is no reason that you can't.  Like the popular "bitch" stands, saw horses, St. Andrews cross, chain spider webs, rope corsets, chastity belts, anal hooks and more. For most of this stuff, there is no way that you can hide you kink unless you set aside a whole room in your house, or you just don't care if your friends see it. 

By this point if you're ready to start using this stuff then you really don't need me anymore.  Just keep common sense about you and you will just fine.  Really, the only thing left at this point is to tell you where to get this stuff. Prices and the best place to get things change all the time. My personal suggestion is to find the kinky sellers in your area. Best way to find them? Go to a local munch and... wait for it.... Ask someone!

Alright you fetish loving freaks… That's my take on bondage.  I hope I have entertained you or at least help educate some of you in how to have fun with bondage.  As always if you have any questions or comments, some other tidbit of advice, or a story to share, feel free to drop me a message here or at HavenSOV@gamil.com.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven De Lancret

Friday, February 26, 2010

Mutual Masturbation or Playing Your SO’s Tune

Ah the wonders of mutual masturbation, as simple as grinding your pelvis against your lover or reaching down, fondling their naughty bits (not to be confused with Knotty Bits!), or both of you touching yourselves at the same time.  Many of us don't think of it as mutual masturbation when we do these things while we are hot and heavy into foreplay.  This is another part of sex that I think is underrated by most people.
 
As with most parts of foreplay I feel that lovers rush too quickly to fucking.  Slowing down and enjoying each other can only make the sex at the end better.  It has been said time and time again that the more aroused you are when you have sex the better the sex and the better the orgasms.  Mutual masturbation doesn't even have to be foreplay; it can be a sex act by itself, especially in situations where full out fucking might not be possible.  Like when recovering from surgery or injury, during pregnancy, or out to dinner at a private booth.
 
Mutual Masturbation can take on many forms too, in fact far too many for me to list them all here, but I will give you a few of the most common and my favorites.
The kissing fondle: The most common type of mutual masturbation I can think of.  This would be with both lovers lying on their sides facing each other, or with one on top and slightly raised. Either way you lay, you are both engaged in heavy kissing of the lips, neck and shoulders while hands are feeling, stroking, fondling, rubbing, or otherwise stimulating your partners intimate places.

In the pants:  Now this one goes back to when we all were in high school.  You remember when you would try to get each other off while keeping as much clothing on as possible.  Works great for in a car, movies, or when you were up in your room with your parent's downstairs. 

Stare down: This is one of my favorites.  While sitting across from each other on the bed, couch, or floor stare deep into each other’s eyes while touching and playing with your lover.  The intimate connection of seeing your lover and staring deep into their eyes brings you closer.  Plus, this can be turned into a game of who will give in first and jump the other.

Straddle:  Simple but effective.  Have the woman straddle her lover placing his dick right along the slit of her clit.  Either one of you can move ever enough to move the ridge head of his dick right along her clit.

The grind:  Same as the straddle but with him on top and her on her back. Both of these can be done not only by male/female couples but male/male and female/female with some slight adjusting.

Breast slide:  More commonly known as a titty fuck, but that term has never been one that I have been fond of.  Simply put its sliding the dick between the women's breasts while they are pushed together.  Ad a bit of lube (Especially the warming kind) and this can be very pleasurable.  Now I mention this here because I have known and been told that some women enjoy this, to what extent and whether it's arousing for them because of the pleasure they are giving their lover I do not know.

Story time:  Playing with each other while one of you reads an erotic story aloud can be very pleasing.  This can be done a few ways. 1. With the listener touching themselves listening to the story (maybe envisioning themselves in it). 2. With the reader touching the listener while reading (only for the multitasker). 3. With the listener fondling the reader.  This one can be a lot of fun as to see how long the reader can keep reading with the distraction.

Adult Movies:  Lying together watching good porn while teasing each other is also one of my favs.  This can a very good warm up to other things to come, or to get some ideas of what you want do to your partner.

Now get out there and enjoy some mutual masturbation!  As always, if you have any comments, critiques, questions or stories you would like to share, you can post them here or message me privately.
 
Later
 
-Haven De Lancret

Equipment everyone should have, or The Sex Kit

It is my personal belief that there is just something that everyone should have for great sex.  Now I'm not saying that you can't have great sex without these, but if you have the following then there will always be a reason for every time to be a great experience.  This list also goes for singles, not just couples.
 
Condoms: Ok, so this may seem obvious but I'll say it again.  SAFE SEX!  Ok, but other than that, condoms can be used for easy clean up of toys, especially any of them that are going to be used for insertion.  Plus, this can be a great place to start spicing up your love life.  Most major condom companies have a wide variety available.  Look for the variety packs and start experimenting with other shapes, colors, etc.  I highly recommend the warming one from Trojan.
 
Lube: Again, everyone should have at least one bottle of lube.  Yes, even guys!  Why? Because unless your date is a sex therapist or OCD, normally women do not carry lube with them.  Oh, why do you need it?  Because sometimes the body just doesn't agree with your desires.  All men, at some point have had or will have trouble with getting a hard on, it is no different for women and getting wet.  Luckily for women that want to have fun and are having difficulty getting wet we have lubes.
 
Also, sometimes lube might be needed in the middle of the fun.  You could be having the first fuck-a-thon of your life looking at crossing the 3 hour mark of constant sex and she may start complaining that it's starting to hurt.  A women's natural lubrication can shut down, wear off, or just not be enough.  A little lube and she will be begging you keep on going.  Get good enough and you won't have to pull out to apply the lube, just a squirt at the guy's base as he is on the out stroke.
 
Massage oil: If you need me to explain why, you're in the wrong place.  But I will point this out, the 2 in 1 massage and lubes are a good value for this, with just a little greasy feeling.  But let's face it, half the fun of an erotic massage is the "conserving water" afterwords.
 
Pillows: Well of course, for your head…  Yes and no.  You should have a good size pillow just for sex.  You can use your normal pillows in a pinch, but having one set aside just for this purpose means not having to worry about it getting dirty.  I have a large wedge shaped one that I have found works really well and can be found at most stores.
 
The pillow can be used to help in many positions for support.  It can be placed under the hips when lying on your stomach to provide more comfortable access to you or your partner's tush.  It can be placed on the ground to kneel on or even just to prop up your head to give a better view of the fun.  All in all, a good pillow or two can help keep both of your comfortable making for longer fun time.
 
Candles: Mood lighting can turn a basic romp in the hay into something enticing and magical.  Just a few candles light around the room can give even the plainest room a sexual feel.  These don't even have to be expensive, a cheap bag of tea lights from the dollar store will work just as well as long tapers in an expensive candelabra.
 
Scarf's: Nice, soft, cheep and versatile.  You should always have a few scarfs around.  I suggest at least 2.  Scarf's can be used for impromptu bondage, as blindfolds, as gags, or just to tease by dragging along your partner's skin.  I prefer silk ones, but any will do.
 
Cuffs: Again, this is a no brainer.  Anyone that has had any exposure to main stream TV knows about cuffs.  The type is up to you from basic hand cuffs to leather to metal manacles.  Just remember to keep the keys handy.  These can be great fun for teasing when used with a wooden chair, or to a head board.  Grab your scarfs and tie your partner's ankles to the end of the bed and have some fun!
 
Blindfold or sleep mask: Most people never play around with sensory deprivation. This can be very erotic as the unknown can be very arousing.  Not being able to see what your partner is going to do next can turn ordinary into extraordinary.  Mix this with a cheap pair of ear plugs and the sensations is heightened even more.
 
Straight vibe: Everyone should have at least this vibe.  Yes, even single guys, and no it does not make you gay.  Even if you cannot bring yourself to use it during masturbation, having one for when you have your partner over can spice things up.  Just think of a girl's reaction as the vibe she doesn't know about hits her pussy while you're eating her out.
 
Egg vibe: Again, I think everyone should have at least one of these.  They are so versatile it's not even funny.  From masturbation to couples play, you can use these all kinds of ways.  Again, single guys should have one even if all you do is rest it at the base of dick above your balls during masturbation.  Girls, I don't think I need to tell you what to do.
 
As for couples, here is a few of my favorites.  In missionary, place the egg right on her clit right under the hood then, use your force of your two bodies to hold it there.  You won't be about to do any major thrusting, but the extra stimulation is great.  Have the girl lay bent over the bed, place the egg between her and the bed and take her from behind.  Lastly, and make sure you had an egg that's made to be inserted (some are not).  Place the egg inside her and then carefully start intercourse.  The internal vibrations will send you both over the cliff.
 
That's my thoughts on what everyone should have in their sex kit.  As always, if you have any suggestions, comments or questions you can post them here, message me privately or e-mail me at Havensov@yahoo.com.  You can remain anonymous if you wish.  Keep it safe, keep it fun!
 
Later!
 
-Haven De Lancret

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Blowjobs; An Oral Dick-tation

There have been literally thousands of blogs, books, seminars, and lectures on blowjobs.  How to give a good one, why they feel good, anatomical discussions of the nerve endings in the underside of the head, and on and on and on…
 
So of course I have to put my two cents in here!  Don't worry; I am not going to bore you with tons of medical jargon, or try to disguise my true nature of loving to get my dick sucked off.  No, I am just a guy that knows what he likes, why he likes it, and has had a lot of fun having new things done to me.  Some I liked some I didn't. Oh and don't worry, a blog on cunnalings is on its way, so get ready to eat out more often!
 
Again, I am making an assumption here that just about everyone that is reading this has had oral sex, either giving a blowjob or receiving one. If this is not the case, oh dear lord get out and start having fun with your life!  There are these beautiful creatures that grace the earth, they are called women. So shut down the computer and go have a freaking social life!
 
Ok, where was I, oh right, blowjobs.  Most women like giving head (I said most, not all, don't get all offended yet…) personally; I think that there are a few factors that are involved in it.  First of which is control; with the act of sex being about penetrating the woman, and that, in most positions in sex, is the man controlling almost all of the thrusting. Giving head can be one of the few points where the woman is completely in control (With the added threat of teeth).  Second, guys love it, and most women like pleasing their guys, so giving them pleasure makes them happy.  Lastly, having great oral skills has become a sort of badge of honor in today's society.  This goes for both men and women; knowing that your man brags that you could suck start a Harley makes you feel sexually confident.
 
Quick note, if you have a girl that is willing to go down on you, don't you ever bitch about it!  Blowjobs are like pizza, even when it's bad it's still pretty good.  So thank your stars that she does and shut the fuck up…
 
The basics of a blowjob haven't changed since we've lived in caves.  Your lady takes your cock in her mouth and bobs her head up and down.  Simple, gets the job done, and as I have said before, this is enough to get 80% of guys off, with relative ease.  But let’s be honest for a moment, I would say that easily 75% of oral sex (both guys and girls) is not about getting off, as it is part of a couple's normal foreplay before sex.  So, getting him off is not always the goal, nor should it be. Here in lie the differing techniques that have been honed over the years of giving head.
 
With the orgasm not always the goal of every blowjob, keeping him from coming becomes a very hard thing to do during a blowjob.  There are as many techniques for this as there are women to try them.  But really, what it does come down to is the guy and the girl.  Most guys do not give women enough credit for their ability to read the body langue of the guy that they are giving the blowjob to.  Yeah, a lot of guys love to announce when they are about to cum, but most don't.  So reading his body movements, twitches, clenching, etc while concentrating on the job at hand or mouth should I say, is really hard.  Give the girls some serious credit here guys!
 
Now, on to those techniques!  These are the things I like during a blowjob, but like anything in sex your tastes may differ, but on the whole I have found that most guys like what I like, when it comes to getting head.
 
Starting off: As much as most guys say that they prefer for the girl to just start sucking away, they are lying dogs.  Men like to be teased just as much as girls do.  So when starting off, you may take some of his dick in your mouth just to get things wet, but you don't have to.  Licking around the head, the ridge just under the head and the whole shaft is very pleasurable.  Add that it also looks sexy as hell, and you will have him agreeing to clean out the garage if you start to suck him off.  Now, everyone knows that the head and just below the head is where most of the nerve endings are, hence where most stimulation comes from, but not all.  The entire cock is full of nerve endings, so pay attention to the whole thing.  Now not all guys like this, but while your licking around, go for the little bit of skin right at the base, just before the ball sack.  This can drive some men crazy as it is a part of their body that normally gets no attention, but can be very sensitive.
 
Taking it in: When you're ready, start taking his cock in your mouth.  For me, I like blowjobs to be done the opposite of sex; I like for her to take as much as she can when she first starts (I'm not talking deep throat here, just a lot).  For me it kind of wakes up all the nerve endings and lets me know what's coming. 
 
Flicking: Flicking your tongue across the head is very pleasurable for a guy.  Also, flick across the ridge just below the head, right where it makes that little dip up, again very pleasurable.
 
Sucking: Placing a little bit of suction while giving a blowjob can also be very pleasurable, but not too much as it can become painful.  Now stopping any movement, taking a fair bit of him in your mouth and alternating sucking and not sucking can also drive him crazy.
 
Hands: Now this one can go back and forth for men.  Some like it some don't, but either way it’s worth mentioning.  Just placing your hand around the base of his cock and gently squeezing, or moving it up and down a little bit can be very good for him.  Not only does this allow you to control and keep his dick where you want it, but it can stimulate him and keep him from bucking hard into you. 
 
Those women who are very skilled, can even alternate hands and give the effect of a constant thrust by running alternating hands down the lower part of his cock.  This does require some lube or it will be painful for him.  It may sound gross (But really, what part of sex is not gross when you think about it) but drooling and getting saliva all down him can really help with this.  When combined with the alternating sucking of his head, this can lead to a very wild ride for your guy!
 
Pulling off:  Letting him slip from your mouth and alternating taking him in and licking can be both very pleasurable, as well as serve to slower stimulation to prolong the fun.  Also, if your man loves to watch (Well, as much as he can in between his eyes rolling back in his head) then letting his cock run across your face a bit (not all over just around your mouth) can also be very pleasing and teasing, like you are letting him close but not taking it just yet.  Play around with this, see how he reacts.
 
Deep throat:  I like this, but not all the time and it is by no means a necessary act (IE, I will never dump a girl because she can't or won't).  Taking all of the cock in your mouth every once in a while feels great.  It stimulates the whole cock and is an incredible feeling for him.
 
Balls:  Now, this is something that I don't like very much, or at least has to be done right.  Mostly because when I am aroused my balls are very sensitive, so stimulation to them can become painful very quickly.  But some guys love it, so this is definitely something to try and see if he likes it.
 
Speed:  How fast you take him in and out of your mouth is up to you. Faster tingles the nerve ending over and over, where as slower gives each nerve more of a chance to feel the sensation.  As most of you know, faster will also mean that he will come faster, too.  But mixing it up and varying your speed gives him the best of both.
 
Accessories:  I love a girl with her tongue pierced; that little ball can add worlds of extra pleasure to anything oral, both kissing and giving head.  Plus, a girl with her tongue pierced gets the same results with a little less work.  Flicking the head is great, but you have to move you whole tongue back and forth quickly and that can become tiring after awhile.  A tongue ball means you can get the same effect by moving your tongue less and just moving the ball back and forth over the head.
 
Lipstick: I personally love it when a girl wears lipstick when she is giving head.  I think that it adds a bit more spice and sexiness to the act.  Also, I love the look of the lipstick mark around my shaft. 
 
Position:  This is critical, which is why it's near the end.  Positioning of both parties is about as important as the act itself.  If he is uncomfortable then he will not enjoy all the work that's being done to please him, and if she is uncomfortable then she will not want to do it as long.  So before starting, make sure both are comfortable. The easiest positions that I have found are to have him sitting on a couch or chair, legs wide and her kneeling on the floor.  This gives good height and easy access.  Next would be to have him lying on his back and have her on all fours.  But the best for both would be to have him lying on his back and her lying beside him.  This is especially nice if the other two positions are your usual, as it puts her head sideways to his cock and gives a slightly different feel than he is used to with her facing him.
 
To swallow or to spit:  Ah the age old question, and there is no right answer, save what she is comfortable doing.  So guys, if she doesn't want to, do not force the issue.  That is the only sure way to make sure that you'll never feel her lips around you again.  And don't try to trick her into doing it, that's just bullshit.  That being said, here is why guys like cumming in a girl's mouth. Men like stimulation through an orgasm, so do women on the whole too.  So, when they start to cum they want the sensations that made them come to continue.  The feeling of you swallowing as he comes continues the sucking sensations that made him cum in the first place.  This does not mean that I am trying to convert the "no way in hells"; I am just stating the why.
 
But what if you don't?  Well you do have a few other options.  When he's about to cum keep using your hands to finish him off.  Leaving him just about to cum and stopping completely is kind of mean, especially if there will be no intercourse.  But now this is where things get a bit dirty.  Ever wonder why you see cumshots in porn so much, well it's because guys like it.  No other reason, not for me, but I personally think it spurred from women not swallowing and the guy still cumming and liking how it looked.  Either way, your options are this; you can leave him in your mouth while he cums and spit it out or let it drool out if you run out of room, point him into a towel (make sure it's already there when you start) as you jerk him off, or just admit that you will have to take a shower afterwords and let things fly.  Now I don't recommend the last, not because some find it gross but because the clean up can be a bitch (Ever wonder why most porn couches are vinyl?).
 
But let's remember, most blowjobs, hell most oral sex is not about cumming.  It's about foreplay.  So, if you don't like to swallow, then don't let him cum and get on to the other fun to be had.
 
Well, that's my take on blowjobs.  Don't worry ladies, next week is one for you all about eating pussy, why every guy should do it and be good at it.  Hope I have enlightened some, started others thinking, and maybe helped out a few. Now get out there and have fun!!!
 
Later!
 
-Haven De Lancret

Pussy Licking, or How to Make Her Scream

For all the common jokes and comments made on TV about eating a girl out I have rarely actually heard any of my male or lesbian friend say that they don't like doing it.  On the contrary, most of them enjoy doing it.  This might have more to do with my caliber of friends and less to do with a more accepting population, but that's not really the point now is it. So here's the mission statement.

Eat her out as often as you can!

That being said, most of you should already know and have some experience with this.  Again if not, you might as well just go back to surfing for porn and jerking off into a napkin.  For those of you interested in my thoughts on eating a girl out, read on. First off, does anyone know why they call it eating out?  You're not "out"; you're most likely at home, or at a home.  You're not sucking her insides out (if you do, turn off the Hoover and call EMS!) So there's really no "out" going on is there? For that matter, you're not eating either.  Eating implies something that can be digested, and if you're doing this, Mr. Hannibal, I doubt she is enjoying it much.  Ok, so eating out is a bad term, but so many people use it, and let's not get started on some of the other slang, I'm sorry; a pussy does not look anything like a taco.  But I digress.

If you need to be told why women like having their pussies licked, then you need more help then I can give you.  It's pleasurable, it feels wonderful, and like a blowjob, it feels better then a finger playing with her clit (sorry to burst your bubble guys).  It's the warmth of the mouth, the feel of the bumps on the tongue, the sucking, the biting, all of it.  As pleasurable as two fingers rubbing across her clit can be, there really is no substitute for getting down and putting lips to lips.

Guys, there is no reason why you cannot enjoy this too.  In fact you should be enjoying it; you are giving your lover pleasure.  To be truly good in bed you must have good oral sex skills, too.  Licking pussy feels really good, but a different good, just like a blowjob feels different than sex.  Let's face it, there is nothing better than knowing that she may boast about your oral skills with some of her girlfriends; it's a badge of honor to be good at getter her off with your mouth.

A common issue when going down on women (and men too, now that I think about it) is uncontrolled bucking when you hit just the right spot.  Ladies, be careful and try to control it if you can, having to explain to the dentist why you lost your two front teeth might be funny in a sitcom, but not in real life.  Men, use this to your advantage.  If you see she likes to buck and move around while you're licking her, then try and work with her motions, not fight them.  You can keep her from killing you by placing one hand under her upper thigh and holding her pelvis.  This can help in other ways, but we'll get to that.

So, if she likes to buck up, then move so that every time she bucks you hit that same spot again. If she likes to grind in circles, then work counter to her movements.  Just keep in mind, that just like men who start to thrust during a blowjob and find it hard not to, so do women when their having their pussies licked.

There are many anatomical parts that make up the pussy: I will not get into them here; they have been covered way too much already.  So for simplicities sake, we're going to break it down into four areas: outer lips, inner lips, hood, and clit.  Got it?  Just like a guy's dick, this whole area is full of nerve endings, and some are a lot more sensitive than others.  But, you should always pay attention to the whole area, not just the clit.  Show of hands, who is guilty of going straight for the clit, and staying there paying no attention to the rest of her pussy?  Half of you are lying, I have done it, and I know that just about every guy here has done it at least once.

Now that I have made that clear, here is how I normally go about licking a girl up the wall.  Usually, I start with the inner thigh, with a bit of biting, nibbling, and kissing (What, the inner thigh you say, I thought this was about pussy?).  The inner thigh is also very sensitive, plus the skin there is very soft and just fun to touch.  I then work my way to the outer lips, kissing and nibbling along the way.  Now the outer lips do have more feeling then say her kneecaps, but are the least sensitive of the whole pussy.  So feel free to bite, nibble, and caress the outer lips; it is still pleasurable but will not cause her to see the stars move.  Guys, think of this as the base of the shaft, feels nice but it isn't the cookie popper.

Next comes the inner lips, these are very sensitive compared to the outer lips.  This is why you have to move the outer lips, or part them, to get at the inner lips.  These can be all sorts of fun, as you can bite and nibble on them too, just not as hard as you did the outer lips.  Mix it up, between outer and inner, the tension and variation in sensations is very pleasurable.  Guys, think of this as when she varies the speed during a blowjob.

The last two parts are connected: the hood and the clit.  Now, I have found that how sensitive the hood is can vary greatly from woman to woman.  I don't know why, maybe it has something to do with when they learned how to ride a bike, I don't know.  So, play around with the hood, if she enjoys it, great, more fun for you and her, if not, then just move on.  Now the hood sits over the clit (Gee, is that why it's called a hood?), you have a few options here.  You can lick up from the lips and dig your tongue under the hood.  You can move it aside using broad licks, or you can move it with your hand.  Remember, the arm that's been sitting under her thigh all this time, it’s now time for it to come in to play.  By pulling on the skin right above where her pubic hair ends, you can latterly lift the hood and separate the outer lips all in one motion with one hand.

Now as wonderful as it is to watch her thrash around the bed as you flick your tongue across her clit, this can become painful to her.  Just like if she sucked as hard as she could just on the head of your dick.  So mix it up, spend a while on the clit, then move to the outer lips, back to the clit, lick the inner lips, back to the clit, and bite her thigh… You get the picture.  Once you know she's ready to cum then increase the amount of time on the clit, but increase it gradually.  I have found that long strokes of the tongue starting at the bottom of her pussy and licking all the way past the clit works well to hit a lot of nerve endings and to spread the pleasure around.

Eating pussy is about more than just licking her clit, or even your tongue.  You have a whole mouth to work with.  Sucking part of her inner/outer lips or clit into your mouth and then flicking your tongue across it is great for her. Sucking on just about any part feels good to her, just not hard and not too long.  You do not want to leave a hickey down there, trust me!

Biting can also be pleasurable to her, as long as it is not too hard; this takes a lot of control.  I would say if you are going to start biting her, start with the inner thigh and work your way in.  This way you can judge what is too much before you get to the really sensitive parts.

I may be braking some unknown cardinal man rule here, but when you're licking pussy you are not restricted to just your mouth.  I have already told you what to do with one hand, well now it’s time for the other.  Fingering her while eating her out will feel phenomenal to her.  It adds internal stimulation to the external from your tongue.  Hell, even use a toy if you want, it’s just more pleasure for her. 

Now I have found that if your girl likes to move around a lot you can get her squirming with delight, by placing one finger just at the base of her pussy, right on the outside, as if you were going to enter her.  Let her own movements slid your finger or thumb around her opening.  Most women at this point will try to squirm down to your finger or thumb driving her nuts trying to get your finger into her.  This teasing will drive her wild with lust for her and is very interesting to watch happen.

This can be a challenge depending on the body type of your lady, position of both of you, and whether or not she is a clencher (a women that, near orgasm, clenches her thighs together) .I have found two ways to make sure you can still keep breathing when orally pleasing a woman.  One, try and keep your head to one side, possibly even resting it on one of her thighs.  This leaves you a bit of room to breathe out the side of your mouth while still pleasing her.  Two, if she is clenching a bit, tilt you head up a little, even going as far as placing your nose on her hood.  This allows you to leave the bottom of your mouth open for air, and when done right, can even help with moving the hood up and out of the way.

If she does clench her thighs and you find yourself unable to breathe, stop stimulating her, and the clenching should stop.  If it doesn't and she is grinding into your face with the ferocity of a woman at a going out of business sale at Fredrick's of Hollywood, hold your breath and hold on for she's about to cum. Then talk about it afterwords.  This is similar to a man uncontrollably thrusting into a woman's mouth during a blowjob.  She may even, like men, grab your head and force you there.  At this point, go read my blog about hair grabbing.  Most of the same rules apply here as they do to men.

There are a few other things that are going to play a part in your oral skills: tongue/lip piercing, and beards.  Basically, anything that you have around your mouth.  Now, just like a tongue or lip piercing can make a blowjob more pleasurable and different, it has the same effect on women for the same reasons.  That little ball can be used to flick the clit, add a bit more sensation to licking, and add a little bit of spice to the fun.  Beards are similar to this as it does add a little bit of extra friction to the inner thighs when you're licking her.  Most women that I have talked to or been with do not feel that beards hinder or help when going down, as long as they are trimmed and maintained.  This is especially true of stubble.  It can feel like sand paper on that sensitive skin.  Do you want sand paper rubbed rapidly across your inner thing and crotch?

I cannot stress enough the importance of positioning during oral sex.  If anyone is uncomfortable, then it hinders the experience.  Make sure both of you are comfortable before beginning, this little bit of time spent doing so is well worth not having to stop because she is getting a crick in her neck from leaning against the wall.

The most common is the woman laying on the bed and the man below lying on his stomach.  This can work well, but usually puts a strain on the man's neck.  A better one is for her to lie on her back with her ass on the edge of the bed, with the man kneeling on the floor.  This also works well with her sitting on the couch.  If this just doesn't work for you (he has knee injuries from HS football) grab a pillow or two and place them under her ass to prop her up a bit.  Both of you lying on your sides also works well to elevate neck strain.

What would it be worth going through periods every month if a woman couldn't have multiply orgasms?  Unlike men, women can have orgasm after orgasm and come back for more.  With this is mind there is no reason not to make her cum a few times eating her out before moving to the other festivities.  When done right, you can have her starting to orgasm from your tongue and move right into sex to continue her orgasm until you cum.

So, I have given you my take on licking pussy.  I just hope that those men that currently aren't "going down there" for fear of being bad at it or any other testosterone induce stupidity, will shut up and put their mouths to good use.  Those that are already striving for oral perfection keep up the good work, and I hope I may have given you a few new tricks.

Until next time!

Later!

-Haven De Lancret

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Erogenous Zones

Let's talk about erogenous zones.  Now I am going to take a leap of faith and guess that I really do not need to go into the erogenous zones found in the general genital region.  If after this I find out that I do need to… Well, maybe you need more help then I can give you.

Most of these zones are great foreplay and sensation play.  You can start just by touching these areas and then graduate to dragging items across these zones as well.  The degree to which each person will react to these zones will vary from person to person.  The only way to know is to get to know your partners body, oh horrors, you will have to touch and tease your partner’s body. 
 
Ear – The ear is a very sensitive area for most.  Licking, sucking, and nibbling can be very arousing for most.  Just be careful not to exhale heavily into the ear, or to bite too hard as these can be very painful.

Lips - I am giving this a mention solely because I think that most people do not pay enough attention to the lips, or over look how sensitive they can be.
Neck – The crook of the neck, right where the tendons and veins are near the skin is very sensitive.  This zone can also have some psychological effects, especially if your partner has any kind of vampire desires.

Nipples and Breasts – Lick, suck, nibble, pinch… NO BITTING… well not at first anyway.  Some even like some light slapping, but that falls more towards breast torture and if there is enough interest, then that can be a blog all by itself.

Navel- the navel, once cleaned, can be all kinds of fun!  It makes a great bowl for ice cubes, ice cream, and all kinds of other little items.  Also, if your partner is willing, the navel can make for a great goal for "Body Golf" with whoppers or other small candies.

Inner sides of thighs – Again, not enough attention is paid to this wonderful zone.  Really, kissing and biting here on your way to oral sex can drag out the anticipation and still give great sensations to your partner.

Behind the knees - Same as above, but a little harder to get at.  Still, good for fun on the way down the legs.

Feet – May sound odd to some, but the feet can be very sensitive.  Sometimes too much and cannot be pleasurable, so take this one slowly.  Some people just don't like their feet being touched.

Wrists - You can get a lot of fun by playing with the inner wrist.  I think this might have some reason behind why some like wearing cuffs as it rubs that region. 

Hands – A hand massage can be orgasmic, even for males that work with their hands. 
So take it slow, have fun, and start playing with these erogenous zones.  And for Pete's sake, foreplay people!!!  Explore your partner and have fun with yourselves.

Later!

-Haven De Lancret

Supermarket Sex Shop

Ok folks, it's time to share some more info from the deeply disturbed mind of Haven.  Your local large supermarket (My-jers, WallyWorld, K-Fart, etc) have a plethora of pervatable items, if you're in the right mind set.  Don't get me wrong, nothing will replace a well stocked adult boutique when it comes to sex toys, but if you don't a good adult store nearby, then one of these stores can help spice up your bedroom antics if you just look at the right places. 

I know it may seem like an obvious one, but let's start with the condom/sex aid section of the store.  Notice how there are lots of different condoms… Well there's an easy way to start spicing things up.  Even if you only trust one brand of condom, each company usually have at least half dozen different condoms.  Warming, tingle, spiral shaped, ribbed, etc.  About the only one I do not suggest is any of the spermicidal ones.  While they do a damn good job of killing sperm, they also kill the good bacteria found in the woman vaginal track, or higher (yes, there is such a thing as good bacteria).

Also in the same area are the lubes and such… but avoid most lubes that can be bought over the counter at these stores.  Most of these are not intended for internal use, just read the back of the bottle.   More info to come on this, but most are being found to cause some infections, irritations, etc. until I get done reading the rest of the report on the outbreak, "Pink" and "Pure" are the only ones currently not found to cause problems. 

Also in or around this same isle you will usually find other fun "sex" items.  Trojan and others have come out with one time use cockring vibes, these are great fun and usually come with one condom with it.  Also, you can now buy "personal massagers" at most stores… Massager, yeah, they are shaped to fit a certain part of the female body… It's a vibe!  So there ya go, you can even get your basic vibrator at these stores. 

I have broken these down into the departments found in the store. 

Kitchen
Spatulas, meat tenderizer
Spatulas make for great spanking/slappers.  The cupped ones are make great sounds when slapping the ass or breasts. 
Meat Tenderizer, the roller ones, makes for great sensation play when rolled over the naked body.

Health
Heat pads, the ones that you crush and then place on the body, are also great for sensation play.  Place them on the inner thighs, breasts, or slide them on the body.

Automotive
Spreader bar, there is a clothing bar in the automotive section made to go between the roof handles on the either side of the rear seat.  These are collapsing with rings on either end that is made to stand up to 300 lbs.  Great for a spreader bar. 
Tie downs are great for, well, tying down.  Just do not ratchet the straps to tight, but they work well with cuffs.

Camping
Inflatable air mattress with frame for tying down a person, and then you can collapses down and can be stored out of site. 

Sports
Plastic practice golf balls and a shoe lace make a good starter drool gag.
Ping pong paddle, spanking, duh. 

Jewelry
Clip on earrings for nipple clamps.

Pets
Collars, leashes, tags, etc for doggy play, BDSM, etc. 

Home Decor
Candles, all white ones for wax play.
Scarf's for light bondage and sensation play when dragged over a naked body.
Suit hanger with clips for nipple clamps that can have weights easily added to them.

Crafts
Leather strips for again sensation play, or mix with a dowel rod to make a simple flogger. 

Hardware
Rope, chain, eye bolts, etc… Look to the bondage blog for more info this.

Food
Cucumbers and bananas add a condom and go to town with your new dong.  If you have some time, take a large potato and carve it in the shape of dildo…  Get it?
Choc syrup, desert toppings eaten off a body… Need I say more? Just do not place these items around the pussy due to sugar causing yeast infections. 

This is just a sample of what can be done with the right mind set at the supermarket.  So go out and have some kinky shopping. 

Later!

-Haven De Lancret

Friday, February 19, 2010

Massage, or Getting Your Rub On!

As for today's topic, I would to talk about massage.  There are already tons of books about technique so I will not bother going into that here, plus, I think that might be a better one for my wife to talk about.  Specifically I would like to talk about massage between lovers and couples.

Massage can be a great way to connect both physical and mentally with your partner.  Not only does it bring you closer but it also makes you of you feel great.  Massage can be as simple as rubbing your lovers feet after a long day while your laying on the couch together or complex as laying out blankets on the floor or bed, lighting candles and butting on your favorite instrumental music.

No matter what form it takes, massaging each other can show caring , love, and a want for your lover to feel better.  The touching of your lover in a caring way brings you closer not only physically (because let’s face it, having your lover touch you is always a pleasure) but you can bond spiritually and mentally as you share in the experience.  A relaxing rub of the shoulders, hands, feet, or back, even for just a few moments can go a long way to relieving the days or weeks frustration.

Not only does it show caring for your lover, but a relaxed partner is normally in a better mood all around, and who doesn't want that?   Most arguments, stress and frustration found in a relationship might not even be from the relationship itself but form the outside factors making you or your partner more irritable.  Helping them relax from those means that they are not impacting your personal relationship.

Not only is massage relaxing but it can also be a great way into even more intimate iterations.  Even a relaxing massage between lovers (or those wishing to be lovers) has intimate and erotic over tones.  It doesn't matter if you’re the giver or receiver of the massage, if it’s with someone that you are sexually attracted to then you are going to find the experience arousing and erotic at some point.

Granted you can make even the basic shoulder rub over your lovers shirt more erotic buy slipping your hands down the neck of their shirt and "massaging" their breasts and chest.  A neck rub can "happen" to bring their head into the perfect kissing position.  A back massage can switch from hands doing the rubbing to laying with them.

Now there is not rules when it come to massage between lovers.  So feel free to add some more intimate touches to your massage.  Feel free to feel, fondle, and touch all of their body.  Sliding from massaging into foreplay is very easy.  Lingering touches to there more sensitive spots, massage as close to those spots without actually touching them, or even right out stroking them as you massage. 

Bringing your partner to orgasm at the end of a massage is about as relaxed as you can get.  Besides, who doesn't want a cookie at the end of a great massage?  One word of warning to the giver though, if you bring them to orgasm at the end of a massage that does not get you off the same time, don't plan on them being ready to return the favor.  Once someone has relaxed that much, it’s going to take them some time before they are going to be able to move much less doing anything to you.

Some good massage books:
Pure Erotic Massage
Erotic Massage
Complete Idiots Guild to Sensual Massage

So there are my views on massage.  I hope that I have shed some light for some.

As always feel free to post questions or comments.  And if you have a question that you would like answered, please feel free to send me a message here or at Havensov@gmail.com.

Later!

-Haven

Window Shopping On-Line, or, “Fuck Me In These Baby!!”

Alright, we all know that the Internet is for porn… but it can also help you tell your partner what you want.  It can be anything from downloading pictures of new positions or situations you want to try to window shopping for your next costume, vibe, or other toy.
 
I want to focus on the window shopping side.  Most on-line stores these days offer wish lists.  These are great! You can mark things you find that you like while browsing the stores page.  The best part is, most of them will let you email your list to anyone you want, like, you’re SO…  This is a great way to let them know all the fun naughty things you want.
 
So to this end, I have included a list (with links) of my favorite stores that have wish lists and a brief description.
 
Adult toys-
Adam & Eve: Toys, vibes, apparel, DVDs, and a little BDSM.  Nice basic store with a bit of everything.
 
Kinky Bunny: Lots of toys and vibes, but a little of everything else.
 
BDSM-
Sub-Shop: Lots of good BDSM gear, some that they have made themselves, and also some great articles on BDSM.
 
BDSM Toy Box: Lots of good BDSM gear, with some that they make themselves.
 
The Stockroom: Lots of great BDSM gear.  Two sites, one straight/lesbian and another for gay men.  Check out the beds!!
 
Fashion-
Fredrick's of Hollywood: If I need to tell you, get out more!!
 
Lip Service: Good fetish and club wear, which makes for great bedroom wear!!
 
Fetish Factory: Same, but with more of a Goth feel to it.
 
So there are my favorite stores that have wish lists.  Now I do go to others, but they don't offer a wish list… sucks, right?  Well there is a fix to it.  "The Things I Want" web site is a generic wish list that lets you put stuff from any web site on your wish list in one grand super list of naughtiness.
 
One last one.  Ever notice that NetFlix and Blockbuster Online don't carry any porn, or even good skin-o-max?  This is because they thought they would be "above" that kind of film… But I'll bet you hard money that the owners of NetFilx have one hell of a personal porn collection at home. Anyway, there are companies out there that have popped up to fill this void of through the mail porn rental.  My personal fav is "SugarDVD".  I have had great service from them, the rates are reasonable and the turnaround time from mailing out to another at my door is about 4 days give or take depending on weekends.
 
Well there you have it, my wish list fun on-line.  If you have an adult store with a wish list that you like, post it here so we all can enjoy it.  As always, if you have any questions, comments, or concerns you can post them here, message me on here, or send it to Havensov@gmail.com. You can remain anonymous.
 
Later!
 
-Haven De Lancret

Quietly Sexy or Secret Public Spiciness

Feeling sexy adds to your confidence, your self esteem, and your outlook on life.  When you feel sexy you just feel better about yourself and others will pick up on it.  The real question is how to get that sexy feeling and still be able to go to work or pick the kids up from ballet.  Here are a few tips on what to do to get that sexy naughty feeling without anyone else knowing (well, unless you want them to ;). 

1.Sexy Underwear: Nothing makes you feel sexier then wearing a naughty black lacy panties or silk boxers.  You could wear a leather thong, or even that garter and stockings.  Any underwear that makes you feel sexy in an evening dress can still make you feel sexy when you're wearing jeans and a tee shirt.

2.Scent: We all have them, that one perfume or cologne that we wear when we go out.  The one that is you sure fire "I'm getting lucky" scent.  Who says that you can't dab a little on any time you want to feel sexy.  The occasional smell of the perfume as you go about your daily business will remind you that you're sexy and naughty for smelling like that when out shopping for school supplies.

3.Warm Up: Just about everyone has seen the warming lubes, who's to say they are just for the bedroom?  When you’re getting dressed in the morning, rub a little around you clit or dick and then finish getting dressed.  The warming sensations will come and go as you go about your day causing some great sensations.

4.Commando: Even though I think this works better for girls, guys can do this too I just don't recommend it (zippers).  Don't wear any underwear and make sure your lover knows that you didn't.  It will drive them wild!

5.Personal Music: Do you remember the first song that you made love to?  How about music that gets you horny?  For the really naughty, still have that video you made of you and your lover having a little "fun"?  With the popularity of personal music players, IPods, and MP3 players just about everyone has ear buds in their ears for at least some of the day.  Why not put those songs or the audio from your fun tape on your MP3 player and listen to it during regular activities.  Listening to sexual songs or song that make you horny during your jog will make sure that you have some energy left over when you get home.

6.Piercing:  Having a naughty piercing will be a constant reminder of your naughty parts.  The feel of it rubbing against something as unsexy as at tee shirt or with little bit of cold breeze will remind you of just how naughty and sexy you are.

7.Rings and balls: We have all seen them, and the naughty ones already have them.  Cock rings and Benewah balls.  If you want a constant reminder of being naughty and sexy, wear a cock ring or insert Benewah balls and you will be feeling it every time you move.  The constant pressure from the cock ring and the content smooth sensations of the balls moving will give you a constant, if not orgasmic reminder threw out the day.

8.Cookie in the Morning: That's right, have your cookie in the morning and remember it all day.  Doctors have said that our hormones peek around 7am (morning wood anyone?), and sex when you wake up is not only a great way to start your day, but it leaves you feeling horny and sexy for the rest of the day.  It might even lead to more fun that night!

9.Sexy is as Sexy does: I know we all have that normal piece of clothing, jewelry, or shoes that remind us of an intimate encounter.  Why not wear them again and you will be reminded of that encounter every time you look at them.  This could be the earrings you wear wearing the first time you fucked on the hood of his car in the rain.  It could be the pants you were wearing the last time she gave you road head.  It could also be the boots that you kept on that last time you had sex during the day.  What it is doesn't matter as long as it reminds you that you are sexy.

10.Daydream: The easiest thing you can do to make yourself feel sexy is to day dream about what you have done or are going to do.  Daydreaming about these will get you hot, and that in turn makes you horny.  Being horny is just about as sexy as you can get.

So get out there and be sexy.  You will love the way you feel and the way others will respond to you.  Feeling sexy can give you that confidence boost you need to get your through the day.  If you have any of your own ideas on feeling secretly sexy, let us now.  Either post it here, send me a message, or send me an e-mail at havensov@yahoo.com. I promise that you will remain anonymous.

Later!

-Haven De Lancret

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Fantasy Box

Here is a simple idea to help spice up your sex life.  In essence it's a box full of your fantasies that you can pull from when you want to do something special or just to spice up a boring Wednesday night.
 
To do this all you will need is a box, a nice but small one pen and paper or a computer with printer (I prefer the computer, but that's because my handwriting looks like crap.  Listen up parents; make sure your kids can write before they learn to type!).

What each of you is going to do is write down simple one sentence fantasies.  You should both decide on how many each are going to write down, 20 is a good start.  These can be as wild or as tame as you are. For example; Have sex with the lights on. Screw in the kitchen.  Have sex outdoors.  Go to dinner with no panties on.  Don't tell your partner what you have written down, that's part of the fun.  Don't worry about duplicating each other, that just means that you both want the same thing and it will raise the chances of it happening.
 
Now that you have these all written out, cut the fantasies into strips or squares so they are each on their own piece of paper.  Take all the pieces from both of you. Fold these pieces up and place in big bowl and mix them up.  Now place in your box and set the box somewhere special where you both can get to it when the mood strikes.  I suggest the dresser, but it's up to you.
 
The next time you both are feeling the need to throw a little fire on your sex life, you can reach into the Fantasy Box and pull out something to help get things going.  There is a catch to using the box; you both must agree to do your best to make whatever fantasy you pull come true within 24 hours of drawing it.  I say 24 hours because some of them might take some planning (like a blowjob under your work desk).
 
Feel free to add to the box.  Obviously as you take and fulfill these fantasies you're going to need to put new ones in.  Both of you should feel free to add to the box whenever you think of a new fantasy that you want to fulfill.
 
Some other options are to make each fantasy longer, say a paragraph with a bit more detail.  If you do this, I suggest you raise your time limit from 24 hours to maybe three days, maybe even a week.  The more complex the fantasy the longer it might take to do. 
 
Another variation is to make a box for each of you.  This way you are guaranteed to get one of their fantasy's.  This works great for birthdays, promotions, etc.
 
Helping to keep relationships spicy since '07!
 
Later!
 
-Haven De Lancret

Preparation or Getting ready to get your groove on…

Sex is like a sewer… you get out of it what you put in…  No, wait… that's not right.  I got it, sex is like ice cream, and the more time you spend on it the better it is! Ok, so maybe I haven't gotten the analogies down yet, but the theory is sound.  Taking the time for preparation for sex is time well spent.  I am not saying that spontaneous sex isn't fun and pleasurable by any means, just that sex that has been premed and prepped for can be rewording in a different way.
 
Preparation… maybe not the best word, but this is what I got.  In preparation I mean a few things.  One is you and your body, two is where you think (I stress think) the sex might happen, and three is the when. 
 
Let's start with you.  If you think (or know) that you will be having sex that night take the time to prep yourself.  Make sure you get a shower, wash all your naughty bits, trim unwanted hair, shave, etc.  For guys, make sure you look good, hair the way you want it (I would say comb, but I have seen some styles that look like the comb might still be in there).  Make sure you de-linted and de-dog haired, and take the time to make sure you look good.  Girls same goes for making sure you have enough time to do Make-up and hair.  And for everyone, make sure you put on some deodorant!!  Nothing can kill the mood then starting to get down and dirty and your BO knocks your partner out when they take off your shirt!
 
Next is the where.  If you are pretty sure that you will be coming back to your place for some naughty fun, then take the time to clean up.  Tripping over "Bouncing Tiger" can ruin a mood, just as having to move pizza boxes to make room for your partner on the couch.  So pick up so you're not worrying about dog hair on your knees when the time comes for fun.
 
Place some candles (don't light them yet!) around the room, maybe make sure the wine is chilling, or that strawberries are still good.  Make sure whatever toys, condoms, lubes, or other fun things that you may want are easily accessible and ready for use.  Maybe place that sexy CD in the CD player or get that sexy playlist ready on your iPod. 
 
This covers the day of prep, but you should also think about sexual prep on a daily level.  More or less think that each day is a day that you could get laid.  So take a little time each morning and make sure you feel your sexiest. 
 
As I tried to say in the beginning, sex is what you make of it.  If you're having stamina issues, then get out on a daily basis and start getting exercise. A basic cardio workout will help you in the bedroom just as much as it helps your heart.  Your lover complaining of how you taste?  Cut back on the red meat, smoking, and bitter foods.  Having trouble getting into that position that she really wants to try, start doing morning stretching.  Just like the rest of your life, a great sex life is about more than sex.  You have to be willing to work at it, not just in mind and exploration, but also with your body.  Your body is what you have sex with, it's your best and greatest tool. So take care of it.
 
-Haven De Lancret

Be-foreplay, the fun before foreplay

Let’s go over some other parts of sex that may not get the attention that they deserve.  For instance, let’s talk about be-foreplay.  I feel this never really gets talked about much, at least not in relation to sex. I have mentioned it a little before but let’s get further into it.  By be-foreplay I mean the foreplay before the foreplay.  All the things we do before we even start getting your freak on.

For instance, I mentioned getting dressed up, going out for dinner, then coming home for fun.  The getting dressed, the dinner, even the car ride home is all be-foreplay.  You can do allot to increase your arousal when you do have sex (or your chances of having sex) by paying a bit more attention to this.  This can be as simple as when you see your SO, instead of a casual "You look nice" when you see them, grab them close and whispering in there ear how wonderful they look
When you’re out to dinner, after you have ordered, hold their hand across the table while you talk.  Hold their hand on the way to dinner and then when you go home.  Lovers just don't touch enough, you very rarely see people holding hands anymore.  Want to spice things up a bit more.  When you’re SO excuses themselves to the rest room, take a moment and send them a text message.  It can be a nice or naughty (depending on your relationship) as you want.  A simple "hate to see you go, love to watch you leave" or "I am so making you scream tonight" will make them feel so much more in the mood.

I cannot stress enough the idea of contact, make contact with your lover.  Hold hands, hold each other.  Start feeling close before you rip each other’s shirts off.  It will do wonders for when you do.  Think of it like this, do remember when you had to face the dating scene?  How on those first dates no matter what was happening you always found yourself aroused the whole night?  There’s a whole lot of reasons for that, but that’s what you should get back to even if you have been together for 20 years.  That feeling that when you’re out you could fuck at any moment.

Ok, that’s the dates, what about outside of nights out.  During regular every day activities.  There are plenty of things that you can do if you put some thought into it.  Text messages, love notes, emails, phone calls. All of these will help lead to a better mood at night.  But be warned, you can over do this, and make sure that if you do these things that you carry out your plans 90% of the time.
Other things you can do, make your lover feel special, that’s one of the biggest things.  A note here, a foot rub when watching TV, flowers (even if is a rose from the gas station on your way home) can go a long way to making them feel special.  You also have technology on your side.  Sit down and write a blog about your lover.  You don't have to a great writer, this is one of those times when effort will get you farther than the finished product.

Just like anything else in life, you will get out of it what you put into it.  A little effort on your end will then pay off in an effort from your lover (or at least that’s the way it’s supposed to work).   If this is not your case, well, then it’s time to be looking the rest of your relationship and not just the sex.
That’s all I have, have your own comments, feel free to add them.  We all have our own ideas on what works and these are mine.  You may have a different approach that works for you, let us know.

Later!

-Haven De Lancret

Monday, February 15, 2010

Sabotaging or the relationship equivalent...

I still can't figure out why some people do this, and I doubt that I ever will.  It happens though, and the only thing I can do it point it for the hope that those that are doing it can see it, and those that are getting sabotaged see what's coming.

Sabotaging a relationship can take many forms, from doing small things that you know bug that crap out of your partner to right out making them be a bad guy in a situation.  Either way then end result is always the same; the person sabotaging the relationship is trying to get the other to be the one to end things. 
Why do people do this, well I have a few theories but none or all could be true.  The easiest one is so they can say "They broke up with me" and play victim.  This is usually that case if they have been hurt many times before in a relationship.  The other side is that they also have a victim complex and need the attention they get when they are the victim.

Another is they are used to a behavior form their partners, even bad behavior, and are prepping for that behavior again.  Think a bit like abused spouse syndrome.  Even though you may not be anything like there ex, they are prepping for you to become that way.

Lastly, it could simply be that they just don't know any better.  If they saw their mothers or fathers act the same way then it's just internally programmed that why will try and push those they love away or sabotage the relationship before it even starts...

Just as there are many reasons for sabotaging there are just as many ways to do to it.  Again, the simplest is the sabotage simply pushing their partner's button s all the time till the brake and go screaming into the night.  No, it's not that he left his stinky socks on the floor that she left, but it was that mixed with the beer drinking, and the guys over at all times of the night, and the staying out late, and the waking her wanting sex, and the.... you get the idea...

Other things are not being upfront about items that you know are going to upset your partner.  It's not lying because you just haven't said anything, but they are lies of omission.  You know those things that you should have told you your partner about.  This can take the form of talking with old lovers (which should always be upfront about because it will always look bad if you don't) or what days you work.  If you stop talking to your partner, then you are keeping them out of the loop, and that is one sure way to cause drama and sabotage your relationship.

So, if you think that your partner is trying to drive you nuts, then it's time to talk with them and make sure that they see what they are doing, and then see why.  If it's just that they don't want to be together any more it's time to end it...
If you have read this and said, OMG, that's me, THEN CUT IT OUT and start talking with your partner...

If you are doing this and you know you are, CUT IT OUT!!! Grow some balls and stop fucking with people emotions.  Brake up, move one, and stop being an ass!
Ok, I'm done...

Later!

-Haven De Lancret

Your past, The discovered country

It's time to talk about something that every couple has to face at some point, your sexual pasts.  This can be simple or hard, depending on your past and how you chose to talk about it.  One's past can be a very touchy subject, and couples have forever been changed or even split up after finding out about each other’s past.
 
The first thing to remember when talking about your pasts is that it is just that, your past.  No matter what's in it, it's good because your pasts is what has brought you two to where you are now.  That being said there is no reason to be upset about anything that your lover has done, ever!
 
As a general rule to help talk about your past, never bring up specific names when talking about your sexual exploits.  This can elevate some of the jealousy by keeping your partner from putting a face to the experience, and most likely when they are visualizing your exploits they will interject their face into the situation.  Keeping names out when sharing your past will also help you further down the road; say if you run into an old SO/fling later with your new one.  There will be no "Oh, he's the one you dressed up like a naughty nurse for?" comments later on.
 
Unfortunately everyone is different when it comes to their past as well as to how they deal with their partners.  There are some people that know in the back of their minds that you have been with other people, but do not want to talk about it and wish to pretend that they are the only ones you have ever been with.  Others find it very arousing to hear about your past exploits and may use them as a spring board for ideas in this relationship.  No matter which type of SO you have or where they fall in-between these to extremes you should always approach talking about your past slowly. 
 
On a side note, if there is something in your sexual past that can be potentially dangerous to your current SO you should make sure they know.  I mean like chances of STDS and the like, not the crazy ex that chased you last SO down the road with a chainsaw screaming Marry had a little lamb… Well, maybe you should let them about that too…
 
When learning about your partners past remember that it is just that, the past.  You are the future and how you handle your partners past will shape your relationship.  Do not be upset if you find out that they have done some things in their past and do not want to try them again.  We have all done things in our past, both sexual and non that we have tried once and said never again.  If you find something that they have done, it's ok to ask if they enjoyed it, and would like to try again.  But if they so no, then drop it and leave it alone.  When digging in the past you can learn lots of wonderful things, but you can also open up old wounds.
 
Now, as much as you might want to know about your SO's past do not push it.  They will tell you when they think it’s time for you to know.  Some of the best times have been lying in bed together with the power out during a storm sharing a wine cooler, a smoke, and a warm wet breeze from the window…
 
So learn about each other pasts, but do not get jealous for there is no point to it other than to make you just another entry to tell their next SO.
 
Later!
 
-Haven De Lancret

Relationships, Give=Take

I might be opening Pandora's box here, and it might already be to late since some have done it already.  If you have any questions or just want some friendly advice on sex and relationships please feel free to drop me a message and I will see what I can do for you.

Unless given permission, your message will stay confidential and will not be shared or made public in any way.  I might discuss the topic that you brought up, but your details will stay safely hidden.  With that being said, on to today subject.
Since getting down to the nitty gritty of sex has not raised as much interest as I thought it would, I'm going to back up a bit and go back to more of the relationship side of things.  But I ask this, I know that people are reading the blog's on just sex like yesterdays, but only one person commented.  Talk about relationships, and 6 or 7 people comment.  Is this because even with all my blustering about being open about sex that individuals are still sheepish about talking about sex, or even that they might, horror, enjoy it? Or is it that I just have not hit the right subject to make people talk.  Oh well..

It has become apparent to me that some if not most people are lacking a basic understanding of relationships.  We have them at work, with friends, lovers, and just about every part of life we have a relationship with people.  Lots of problems that people have with others is from this lack of understanding of these relationships.

All relationships have give and take, and for the most part they should be equal parts give to take.  At work you work 40 hours (give) and they pay you for your time (take).  Why do people get upset at work, when they feel they are giving more energy or time at work and not getting paid what they think it’s worth.  Same is true for romantic relationships.

People get upset in a romantic relationship for the same reasons.  When one party feels they are giving more into a relationship then the other party is, they get upset.  Now we are talking about instant gratification here too much.  It’s not like it’s always you do something then your partner does something.  Ex. Your wife takes care of all the laundry you do the dishes every night.  A simple example, but it makes the point.

Understanding that you MUST give to receive is a vital part of relationships, whether at work, play, or at home.  I encourage everyone reading this to take a moment right now and think real hard on whether you are pulling your fair share at home, in your marriage, even at work.  Don't just say "of course I do", really think about it.  The only persons right now that knows for sure if they are is you, and the other party in the relationship.  If either one of feels that the one is not giving as much as the other, then there is a problem that you should sit down and figure out how to fix it.

I think that this is even more apparent in sex, for it is an almost instant gratification situation, but not all the time.  Doing something because you love them is all fine and good, but why do you love them?  All the other things they do for you, right?  Are they giving back to you in bed? no. What I mean is, do not think that "I love them, so I can live with her being an inconsiderate bitch in bed" will work, love will only get you so far in life.

So, here’s the wake up call.  Sex is a two way street, just like any other relationship.  The most common example I can think of is common complaint from women that there guy will not go down on them but want blow-jobs all the time.  This is stupid guys, you’re expecting something for nothing and no matter how hard you want it, that just does not work in this world.  If you’re not willing to do the same for your partner then why should they do it for you?

Even in the most extreme types of relationships there is give and take.  Take a Dom/sub relationship.  Many people make the mistake that the sub does all the giving and the Dom does all the taking.  Wrong, in a Dom/sub relationship there are both fulfilling a deep needed urge to serve or so dominate.  Also, the Dom takes care of the sub just as much as the sub take care of the Dom.

So the next time you start getting hot and heavy with your partner remember to think of them.  Guys, want a blow-job, get down there and start eating pussy (More on that in another blog).  Want her to talk dirty or dress up in a police officer’s uniform?  You had better make sure that she cums at least once every time you have fun, go to your room and light a load of candles, feed her chocolate in bed.  If she happy, your happy!!!  Girls, If he's been going down on you, then go down on him (no you don't have to swallow).  If he’s been making a point of giving you your cookie every time, unwrap a brownie and dress up for him, or spend a night driving him nuts, or make a fantasy of his come true.  This goes both ways, guys, women like you to dress up too.

Once you both have established that you both are giving and receiving, take up a notch.  Spend a whole night with the women teasing and pleasing her guy.  Then switch the next weekend, and please and tease her all night.  This is not complicated, its basic math.  If both of you care about the others enjoyment of sex then both of you will enjoy it so much more.

But again, this does not just go for sex, it’s in all walks of life.  It’s easier to give a little more and see if you get a little more back then to just sit around waiting for someone to start giving to you first. 

So here’s a challenge to all of you reading this.  Tonight, go home and do something that you know that your partner likes.  Who cares if they have done anything to "deserve" it, just do it.  Make them a meal they love, dress up a bit, where thigh highs to bed, let them watch a show they really like instead of what you want to watch, whatever.  Just do something for them and see what happens. 
If you notice your lover doing something extra, let them know you appreciated it by doing something for them.  It’s that simple, really.

Now, go forth my children and do something nice!

-Haven