Saturday, February 13, 2010

Parents and sex

Being a parent, keeping a relationship hot, and keeping an active sex life has to be one of the hardest thing to do.  I believe that being a parent is one of the greatest things in the world, but also one of the most time consuming.  Being a parent can drain your energy (I swear kids just suck it out of you and use it themselves) and cause you untold stress.  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids! It's hard work but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
That being said and I do believe that being a parent always comes first; it is an age old question on how to balance being a parent and a lover.  There will always be those days that your kids have driven you up the wall, that you have been after them about everything, and all you want to do when they go t o sleep is sleep yourself.  Those days are always going to happen and you both should realize that they will.  So here are some of my ideas about keeping a relationship hot and your sex life hotter.
Getting a sitter for an evening of unbridled passion is always the best course, but any parent knows that you don't want to use up all your sitter favors on just getting a great lay; you need that one or two for when the kids are sick or other emergencies. That or they can be very expensive.
First you need to find ways around the dreaded "Sibling Prevention Radar" that every kid has since birth.  Come on parents, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  After an hour of intense foreplay and reconnecting, you have slipped the condom on, gotten into position, one thrust in, and from the door way you hear "I had a nightmare!"
We've all been there. So how do we disable this ingrained software, or at least give us some warning as to when the kids are rustling?  If they are young enough, use a baby monitor, just low enough that you don't here every movement (that can ruin a mood too) but so you can hear them if they do wake up.  If they are older, hook and eye locks can be your best friend. They are simple to install, can be easily removed, and are enough to stop little Johnny from walking in on the two of you "wrestling".  Place these anywhere where you think you might want to have sex. The bedroom, office, bathroom, etc.  Just make sure they are high enough up that you can reach them, but small hands can't.
Another nice one is to hang an ornate bell from their door.  This will let you know if they open there door and let you get covered.  This works well, but can also give you false alarms (damn dog, lay down). 
You can also cut down on the chances of getting interrupted by keeping your activities quiet.  If your bed squeaks, fix it, buy another one, or just don't have sex on your bed until you do.  Also, move your bed away from the walls, about an inch or two, just enough so when you get a little carried away the bed is not thumping against the wall.  You can also play light music in your room to cover any sounds you might make.  This will allow you to sigh and moan some but the kids will only hear the music.
If either one of you has trouble keeping quiet, make sure you have things to bite on, shove in your mouth, or are fucking in such a way that they can bury their heads in the blankets or pillows.  Scarves work well for this.  If you're feeling kinky, you can try some other gags that can be bought at your local adult toy store. Just make sure that if you use these that there is some kind of way for the gagie to let their partner know they are done or can't take any more.
Sitters can be your best friend.  Especially those that will take kids overnight.  To my mind the best case is to find another couple with kids close to the age of yours that you can swap weekends with.  You take their kids on Friday or Saturday night, they take yours the next.  These kinds of arrangements mean both couples benefit from a night where they can be as loud as they want and screw anywhere they want in the house.  If this not plausible for you, see if you can make arrangements for at least a sitter once a month.  Just once a month where you can have fun and not worry about waking the kids can go a long way in keeping you both happy.
Single parents
Since we are talking about parents and sex, I think I should take some time and talk about single parents.  More and more people are finding themselves as first time single parents.  As a single parent your first priority should be your kids, but if you take some time and effort there is no reason that you can't have your cookie too.  You just have to take a bit more time than those that are involved, living together or married.
By careful I mean for the kids.  It doesn't matter how the kid lost their parent, they will always be looking to replace that person in their lives.  Keeping them from getting hurt as you try and find love, or just companionship is hard.  I say this not only as someone that came from divorces parent that are both remarried, but also as a man that became involved with a single mother, then moved in with her, married her and took her daughter as my own.  I wish to talk about this from both sides, as a single parent, and to those that get involved with single parents.
Any time that there is a child of a single parent involved their feelings should be the most important of all.  Raising a child's hopes that they might have a new dad or mom just to have them crushed by something they don't understand is devastating.  It's in this mindset should you approve all dates, fuck buddies, partners, chew toys, etc.  As hard as it might be, do not get them involved in the kid's life until you both know that this is something you want to pursue to more than just bedroom chandler swinging sex. 
Ok, so you have decided that you do want to see where things can go.  Well, there's is a kid involved say under the age of 12, and when you date that kid's mom or dad you might as well be dating the kid as well.  Getting to know the kid is a must if you are going to pursue anything more than weekend sheet tossing.  Approach this with caution, as kids can get attached faster than those little spiny balls you find in the woods.  When you first meet the kid, get down to their level, as in get you happy ass down on one knee and look them in the eye and tell them "Nice to meet you" or "Hello" or whatever. 
Now that you have meet the kid, now it’s time to put your hormones in check and resist any urge to grab, fondle, hold, kiss or show any attention between the two of you while they are around.  You are just Mom or Dad's friend at this point and need to stay that way.  Kids are not dumb and can pick up on interactions between adults quickly.  If they think you might be getting involved with their parent they will either become attached to you or resent you for taking over for their absent parent.  So make sure when they are around that you act like a friend to them and to their parent.
Once you have been introduced to the kid, you are part of their life too.  Make sure that you include them and they don't feel like a burden or unwanted.  You may not think that just taking their Mom out to a movie will make them feel rejected but it can.  So make sure that you also go out with the kid as well.  Movies (Some of the kids movies are great, remember Happy Feet!), mini golf, the mall, or even for a burger and fries with a play ground will make them feel wanted, excepted, and stop them from thinking that you are taking their parent away.  This is also good from the parent's side, because your kid will not give you as much grief about going out with so and so if they have been included before.
Once you have decided that you want to see where things go, do not jump into living together.  You might think it’s great, but what does the kid think?  Make sure that the both of you sit the kid down and talk with them, even if they are 6 years old, talk with them about it.  You may think they don't know what going on, but if you talk with them about it you can avoid a lot of problems later.  At 6 they may not understand why, but they can remember when they are 13 and bring it up that they never had a say about moving in with such and such.
Teenagers you can be less cloak and dagger with.  But really it's up to each kid on how they will react or handle it.  But in a situation, make sure that if you are the one coming into their relationship that you make them feel part of the new one with you, and that you are not replacing any relationship they already have.  That you just want to be part of their lives too. 
I hope that this helps some of you in getting back what you had, and maybe help some parents get what they need too.
-Haven De Lancret

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