Thursday, March 11, 2010

Not getting it up, or Sexual Stage Fright...

Alright guys and girls, it's that time again, more thoughts on sex and relationships from the IMP.  This time around its time to talk a bit about sexual performance anxiety.  I problem for both men and women, although it is defiantly more apparent in guys.  And not just one or two, this happens a lot so do not by any means think that you're the only one!

Performance anxiety can come out in many ways.  For guys, a lack of physical arousal even though mentally your ready to go (IE, not getting it up).  In women this show as a lack of personal moisture. It can also show as not being able to achieve orgasm or it can even show in other reactions in your body like profusely sweating or cold clammy hands.   

While science has come to the aid of women with the advent of lube, not so much for normal, health guys that have a rare problem (and I mean rare as in frequency not in number of men).  But let's get into the whys of it happening so you can look into dealing with the problem, and then we can move onto my suggestion on ways around it...

The most common reason for performance anxiety is fear.  Yup, basic fear of rejection, of acceptance, of fucking up (not the good way), or of making a fool of one's self.  This is exactly what people also feel when they are scared to go on stage to perform.  This is just a smaller, more intimate setting with usually only you and someone else involved (although I have heard of some having the same problem the first time they had a threesome, but that's another story). 
To put it plainly, you are worrying so much about if you're going to please your partner, if they are going to think your too small, loose, short, hairy, etc.  All this worry can cause your body to simply not work, basically a defense mechanism that if you don't have sex (or don't perform) then there's no chance of all your fears coming true.  This is why this happens much more during first encounters, and why after words, second, third, etc, it doesn't happen again.

So how do you get passed it?  Well that's really up to you.  You know what's causing it now, now you just need to move past it.  Don't worry, I have some thoughts on that...  First, and the hardest, STOP WORRYING SO MUCH! I know harder done then said...  

My best suggestion is for you to worry only about one thought and push the rest from your head.  Let worry only about pleasing your partner.  If you focus on just that then you are going to guarantee a good time for them, and let's face it if we have a good time we want to go back for more! Why do you think people buy season passes to amusement parks?

So if you spend the whole time worrying about pleasing your partner and you still have trouble getting it or getting wet, then once they have had their cookie then leave it at that.  Tell them that you are just happy that they got there's, that they are more important, and that you don't want to force them to continue after they have orgasmed.   

Why, you may ask, it all comes back to the give and take of a relationship.  If you do a whole lot of giving then your partner then next time you have fun is going to remember that and is going to do all they can to rock your world.   Now if this is the second time that you have been together then most of your performance issue will have dwindled and you can just enjoy the ride!

Or, because you have been so focused on them getting off, the sounds of them enjoying your tongue, fingers, toys, etc that you will forget about your other worries and look, now you're wet or hard and ready to go! 

Now, if this happens that your partner is not going to let you go that easy, then here is another thought.

Once you have given them a mind blowing orgasm... let them return the favor...  But this time just relax, close your eyes, and just think about the sensations your feeling and nothing else.  Focus on the feeling of their tongue, their hair, or whatever else they are doing...  If you have music going, listen to it, and drift with it.  Also, you can focus on your breathing to take your mind off worry. 
Ok, so there are my thoughts, I just hope that they help some.

As always, if you have a question about sex, relationships, men, or women please shoot me a PM here or an e-mail to 


-Haven De Lancret

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