Monday, March 8, 2010

Simple BDSM or Rough sex

This is going to be the simple version of BDSM. About how to use it just to enhance your sex life and nothing more. I'll be covering the basics of safety, spanking, flogging, bondage, physical force, and how to introduce it into your sex life. There will be another blog about advanced BDSM and how it differs from just hard, rough dominating sex.

BDSM as an acronym has various explanations, but on the whole what it means entails them all. From Bondage, Domination, Discipline, Submission, Sadomasochism, Slave, Master, Mistress, etc. But what it really boils down to is, for what I want to talk about here, is sex that involves all or some of those terms. Here I will talk about everything from a little light bondage (tying your partner to the bed posts) to sensual spanking and flogging.

First and foremost if you are thinking of incorporating any part of BDSM into your sex life you first need to take some safety precautions.  The simplest and easiest is a safety word.  This word is the word used by either party when things have gone too far.  This could be that a boundary has been crossed or that person is feeling uncomfortable about the situation.  This safe word should a word that would never ever come up in your sexual play.  Red, aardvark, pad, etc are just some examples of safe words. 
 
Once you have your safe word established, you should memorizes it and always remember it.  During any part of your play if one of you speaks the safe word all activities stop until the speaking party feels comfortable again.  In laymen's terms, if you have your boyfriend tied down to the bed, blindfolded, while you are blow him and are trying to stick a finger in his ass and he says the safety word you stop, end of story.
 
For this blog I am going to concentrate of the immediate sexual side of BDSM, or more simply rough sex.  Like anything with sex you can do as much as you wish, there is no wrong or right way to be into BDSM.  If all you wish to do is add the occasional scarf tying of your lover to the bed, that's just as fine as hanging them from a wall with metal cuffs and chains. The basics of all this is that some people do enjoy rough sex, or rough situations.  This can simply mean more forceful sex or even wanting and getting off from spanking or flogging.
 
Having rough sex can "just happen" but so can divorce, feelings getting hurt, or even people getting physically hurt.  Like with anything you should talk about being rougher in bed first.  Granted there are little things that you can do beforehand to test the waters of how your partner will react but on the whole it is better to talk about adding this to your sex life.  Then you both can explore it together or you will know that this is something that they will not do.
 
So, you are interested but you don't know if your partner is?  Here are some simple tests you can do during sex to see if they might, and I said might be interested in rougher sex or BDSM.  The nest time you are on top, slowly grab both of their wrists and slid them above their head and hold them there firmly. If they struggle a little that's fine, but if they look at all like they are really scared, are really fighting against you or no longer paying any attention to the sex let go immediately. Also, be careful not to put any pressure on their wrists by trying to support yourself with your hands while holding their wrists. Now if they act favorably, like get that "Oh baby" look in their eye then it’s time to talk… Well not right this instant! Finish getting your cookie first, get a glass of water, and ask them how it felt.
 
Light bondage in my belief is simple bondage. Use of a scarf to tie your partner's hands behind their back. Kids handcuffs that look like they are trapped but could get out of just as easily. Bondage that is quick, not time intensive and can be undone relatively quickly by either partner. This adds a little excitement without a lot of hassle and can be done very cheaply. This is the best place to start when it come to introducing bondage into your sex life.
 
The next level or medium bondage would be the use of soft cuffs and straps that have been made and bought for that purpose. You can find these at some party stores, gag stores, and all adult toy stores. These take a bit more time then scarves but are a little harder to get out of by the person they are on. Medium bondage to me also includes spending more time in the bondage as well as doing more with it. This would include using the cuffs and straps to make your partner play with themselves, keep them in a position you like for longer, or to keep them from moving around. Let's face it, using scarf’s will only keep a guy on the bed for so long before he gets free. Using Velcro cuffs and straps will keep them there a lot longer; just make sure his hands are separated.
 
At this point, I would suggest that you avoid ropes, metal shackles, wax, or anything more advanced than what I have discussed here.  These all have their advanced BDSM and take a bit more time, thought, and experience.  For now, just stick with what I have described here until you and your partner are ready.
 
There are a lot of people that enjoy a good spanking, either as the spanker or the spankee.  Either way, it can be fun and enjoyable when done right.  Start slow and work your way up in force.  Just about everyone enjoys a light spank now and then during or just before sex.  Not many are all about the spanking that leaves marks and makes it hard to sit at work the next day.
 
There are lots of tools and toys out there, floggers, paddles, canes, etc.  If you are new to this, as nice as they look and no matter how turned on you get by them, I would avoid actually using them until you have had some time and have played around with spanking with just your hand.  As there is an added danger inherent with these, I will devote a whole blog to their safe use.  Until then, unless you have had some experience with them already, let's leave them as pretty wall hangers for now.
 
Forceful sex can also be very exhilarating. Forceful sex is where one person, usually the more physically endowed of the partner uses light force to get what they want. This can be as simple as rolling your partner onto her knees when you want to take her on all fours, to grabbing and holder her wrists while you use a vibrator on her clit.  Now I use these situations because on the whole the man will most likely be the stronger of the partner.  Now that's not to say that the women could not be the stronger one by any means, but women usually do not use force to get what they want now do they?
 
Quick note here for you to think about – women usually don't use force to get what they want that's why taking control in the bedroom can be such a turn on.  If in everyday life they're the weaker (physically only – don't get me started) sex just think of how much a turn on it is to tie up and have the stronger man in your power.  Even if it just holding his wrists above his head.
 
For those of you that this is already old school, don't worry.  I shall have a blog later on more advanced rough sex, BDSM, and other fun stuff.  This is just a quick, simple way to introduce this kind of fun into your sexual play.  In the advanced one I'll get into ropes, wax, metal, collars, auto-erotic asphyxiation, abrasion play, suspension, and all sorts of other fun stuff.
 
I hope that this has given you the necessary information to start throwing a bit more rough sex into your sexual playbook.  Take care, be safe, and above all have fun!
 
Later!
 
-Haven De Lancret

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