Thursday, December 29, 2011

Teaching class in Detroit!

Thats right, I will be teaching my Sensual Sadism class in Detroit on Tuesday, Jan 3rd.

Here is a link to the FetLife Event page.

Come one out and see or meet me there.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Pussy, Natural Energy



Now in a bottle!

http://www.pussydrinks.com/home.html

Ok, so I am going to try and get some of this ordered to my house...  Hope the shipping doesn't kill me...

Keep it, WET!

-Haven

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Article "On Perverts & Privilege" from Good Vibes

Great article the privilege found with the BDSM community.  Looking more specifically the events around the SF area, but it holds true to any community.  It goes into some awareness that even I had not thought about.

On Perverts and Privilege by Kitty Stryker on Good Vibrations

Take a read,

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Friday, December 16, 2011

The Law and BDSM

So I came across this while doing some other research.  The piece is called The Pleasure of Pain, by Bruce Gross.  I think all should read the part of the piece about "Bending and Beating the Law" about half way down the page and continued on the next page.  

The whole article can be found here.

I think everyone that plays with BDSM should read that part just for education.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Sex Manuals of the Past, Part 3

Here is the final part of my 3 part piece on Sex Manuals of the Past.

At this time, Hindu beliefs on sex had saturated India.  These beliefs were somewhat based on the early European Christianity of the Aryan invaders during what we now call the Crusades.  The Hindu belief was based on the Vedas, or the Bible of Light, and within those beliefs was a very class conscious society that degraded those native to the lands they invaded down to meaningless slaves.  This was reinforced by the Hindu belief in Karma, which stated that if one lived “correctly” that they when they died they would be reincarnated in a position higher then they were in. However if they behaved “incorrectly” that they would be reincarnated in a lower position.  Through this system of Karma, the Hindu belief controlled the population.

This Karmic and class system belief was the basis of the Hindu sex manuals, like the Ananga Ranga.  Within this they divide women into 4 classes within Hindu, and then all other women into a fifth subclass.  They also use the Karmic belief of doing things “correctly” to bring about a monogamous society, with infidelity being one of the gravest sins.  However, the writers of the Ananga Ranga know that we as humans are sexual beings, so they offered many ideas as to how a married couple could keep things interesting in the bedchamber.  The thought was that the main reason for infidelity was the desire for varied pleasures.  By offering those varied pleasures withing the couple through the teachings of the Ananga Ranga.

The Ananga Ranga discusses mostly the differences between men and women, how those difference make us strong or weak, as well as how they are supposed to behave.  Most of this is due to the influence of the Karmic beliefs, but it does show that a lot of emphasis was placed on the body before sex, in cleanliness, preparing for sex, and setting the body for sex.  However it also spends a good amount of space on how to choose a good wife, and what to look for in a wife, as well as why to take a wife of your same caste.  It spends, as a whole, very little on the actual sex itself, but I find that they would place so much emphasis on the body and on the relationship before sex.  You can see how these beliefs of monogamy influenced later thoughts about sex.  It is truly intriguing how they took the ideas of monogamy from the early Bible, and added the Arabic ideas of cleanliness and relationships.

All of these ancient texts sex manuals have had an influence in today's sexual practices, ideals, and thoughts.  With the knowledge of these old texts, we can better understand how and why some of our present beliefs have come to be.  You can see that these ancient teachings have been passed from person to person, through a new form of oral tradition in some cases before the texts became popular again in the mid 19th century.  Now to look back we can also now see how even some of those ancient beliefs have managed to shape our feelings about sex today, even in the 20th century.  While some of the practices mentioned in these texts are now know to be extremely painful and medically dangerous, there is still a lot about relationships and how to share the most intimate of acts with another within these old sexual manuals.

References:

Sex in History By Reay Tannahill

Ananga Ranga Stage of the bodiless one, Hindu art of love by Kalayana Malla. Translated by F. F. Arbuthnot and Richard F. Burton and Pharmacopeia “Ars Amoris indca” by H. S. Gabers and S. Rama. Medical Press of New York 1964


The cComplete KamaSutra

As always, comments allways welcome, either here or at KinkyasIam@gmail.com

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Toys for a lap dance?

You know, we all can d our part to help less privileged kids get presents this year...  By giving a toy and getting a lap dance! No really, this is happening:

Now thats what I call charitable marketing!

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

To Spice Up the Holidays

If your like me, then the holidays can be rather depressing.  Bad economy, stories of presents being stolen, family stress, etc.  In the end, it can be very hard to find time relax, and enjoy yourself.  So, in hopes of cheering myself up, as well as hopefully passing the joy on to you, I offer you the following links and lists to help spice and sex up your holidays.

To start off, with the inundation of holiday movies on TV, I give you the following.  Top 10 Christmas Porn Movies by GameLink and 10 Holiday Horror Flicks by Bloody Good Horror.

Anyone else irritated that the stores have been playing holiday music since Thanksgiving?  Man, its gotten to the point where I don't even want to go to my kids holiday show for fear of hearing the same damn songs.  Well, do what I do, learn some naughty parodies.  That way you will be laughing the whole time your shopping as the adult words filter though your brain.

I Saw Mommy Fucking Santa

Grandpa Got Run Over By a Beer Truck

Jingle Bell Cock

And what holiday would not be complete with out new clothes?  Now I am not talking about the underwear that you grandma gave you, oh no, I am talking about the stuff that makes you want to do more then kiss under the mistletoe.  So here are a few of the sites that I shop from when it comes to sexy holiday clothes.  Lingerie Diva and  3 Wishes.  There is of course Fredrick's and Vickie's Secret if you want.  I also keep my dollars local, so head on down to your local adult store and you ill see that most of them right now will have plenty of holiday clothing just waiting for you.

I hope this cheers you up as it did me.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Sex Manuals of the Past, Part 2


This is part two of three in Sex Manuals of the Past.  Part one can be found here.

Before the Kama Sutra was written, there were other texts that were already circulating in country’s that had started trading with India some time around the fourth century A.D. One of which was the Tao doctrine, or The Way of the Chinese. This belief could not be more opposite of the western beliefs of Christianity that were being developed around the same time. The Tao belief was that the way to heaven or the divine was through sex, going as far as to say that a man could increase his chances of getting into “Heaven” by sleeping with as many women as he could, including promoting sex with multiple women within one night.

Within the Tao belief is based upon the concept Yin and Yang, a energy with men and women and the need to have these energies in balance. These energies are described much like what we now know as hormones. Intercourse was used to balance these energies. Yang was the masculine energy while Yin is the energy of a women. When a couple performs sexual acts, the Taoist believed that these energies were transferred between the partners. In a fashion they were correct, as it describes that a mans Yang can be exhausted and he will need to rest to restore his Yang, in this they could have been referring to the semen and seminal fluid. Tao’s also describes a woman's Yin to be ever abundant and without limit.

The Taoist believed that a man's Yang was not to be wasted, so while they did involve fellatio in their sexual practices, it was considered to be “unhealthy” to do so until ejaculation. This same belief also passed into their belief of masturbation for men, and so was rare. On the flip side of this coin, there were no restrictions made on women when it came to masturbation and oral sex, in fact it was encouraged as a way to increase the “flow” or energy during sex. For these reasons, while it was seen as normal to have same sex relationships, for both sexes, it was considered unhealthy to restrict yourself to only same sex relations. This idea of energy flow and seeing sex as an art can easily be seen just in the names of the positions that they used. The four basic postures are called: The Unicorns Horn (woman on top), Close Attraction (laying side by side and face to face), and The Fish Sunning Itself (rear entry). The rest of the 26 positions are titled in a similar manor with some very artful names. Some highlights are: Cat and Mice Sharing a Hole, A Phoenix Playing in a Red Cave, Butterflies in Flight, and A Huge Bird Above a Dark Sea.

There were many sex manuals published in both the Han and Shin dynasties in China. Most of which were based around the “Jade Chamber”, which loosely could be seen as the bedchamber, as they were grouped together as the “Art of the Bedchamber.” Within these manuals they not only discussed the act of intercourse, but also many of the other aspects of foreplay, relationships, and warnings of when to have sex. It was said in most of these that if either party was not receptive to the others sexual advances that it could be harmful to the unwilling party. This early mention of consent speaks that while the Tao belief may have been one of high sexual desire, that it had to be with the consent of both and not just the male as is depicted in most early male dominant civilizations.

It was once thought by western scholars that the Chinese did not believe in kissing as they thought the Chinese considered it close to cannibalism. It was later discovered that this was a miscommunication, and that the Chinese did kiss but viewed it as something done as part of the sex act and to be done in private and not in the public eye. This belief shows us that the Taoists considered anything intimate, while a religious experience, it was also something that was also only to be witnessed by the parties involved. However, while this experience in the Taoist eyes were a private, it was also seen as something to be shared. To this end, it was not uncommon for a follower of Tao to take on many wives and concubines. Granted your class and wealth dictated how many you would have, with the royalty having hundreds, the upper class having somewhere around a hundred, the middle class in the neighborhood of double digits, and the peasants might be lucky to have over five.

There are some parts of the Tao texts that talk about group sex, orgies, and involving more then just one partner (usually another wife or concubine), it was not unheard of that parties would be held just for the act of balancing your Yin and Yang. These parties were sometimes held as a way to “heal” someone stricken with an illness, and could involve multiple households. This lifestyle of polygamy was characterized within the marriage ceremony, where the principle new wife brought along her sisters and maids along with her to become secondary wives to him. While this might seem odd to any raised in a monogamous society, this custom where the marriage was prearranged by the groom, the grooms family and the brides family, the new bride might not meet her new husband until there weeding, and upon which was moved into his family compound. Here she would meet the rest of her new family for the first time the morning following her wedding. So in this she was completely separated from her family, having her sisters and maids with her allowed some familiarity in her now very unfamiliar world. This custom was also viewed as odd by the other major influence of the Kama Sutra, in the form of the Hindu beliefs whom at this same time were starting trade with India in the fourth century A.D.

Part three will be up on Friday.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Monday, December 12, 2011

Sex Manuals of the Past, Part 1

This is part one of three about three of the more popular sex manuals from the past.

For as long as humans have been been on this earth, we have engaged in sex. Sex is a necessity for our existence, and since we as human beings have been on this earth for thousands of years, we can assume that we have been having sex as far back as the first human walked the earth. While we know that we have been having sex, the practices of sex have changed much over time. I have been fascinated with those practices, but more specifically why those sexual practices came to be and within that how those practices of the past have shaped those of today. I hope that withing this paper I can offer some explanations of those practices as well as give some light as to the history of the sexual practices of present day.

Unfortunately, today only some of the texts and documentation have survived for us to study. While much has been done to restore some of those old texts, they have been translated from and into many languages, we still can only guess at some of the practices from before human civilization first started to form around the middle east. We can, from research done into artifacts, drawings, and remnants of our very early existence draw conclusions as to what we as humans did in the dark of night. Reay Tannahill discusses this in his book “Sex in History”(1980) neanderthal humans had some preliminary “rules” for sex. From the first taboo of incest, which came about after small tribes of neanderthals started to gather into clans for hunting purposes, then bringing about gatherings that out of which came multi-tribe pairings. That even at this early stage of existence, without the knowledge of DNA and the problems that can come from inbreeding, that we knew that we had to pair with those outside of our own family. This instinctual knowledge followed us into the first civilizations. It is known from what we have been able to ascertain that sex was used as a show of dominance within a tribe or clan. While dominance still remains within the sexual arts throughout time, at the beginning of the human race it is believed that it was much more prevalent then at any other time in our history. It is after this time that we start to see the documentation of sex and relationships in the writings of the first civilizations.


While there were some texts about sex with early Egyptians, Greeks, and Rome, they were all mere mentions as opposed to full information within one volume. They did document some of the practices of those times, and made some strives in both sexual freedoms, explorations, and thoughts. This is not to lower the stature of the sexual exploration of those times, but there was not definitive text as of yet in those civilizations. These early civilizations did influence that later full texts that were to emerge in the next stage in the evaluation of human kind.

Of the few texts that still remain today about sexual practices, the most commonly known is the Kama Sutra. It should be noted that while the Kama Sutra is a text about sex, relationships, and courting, it is only one of three volumes (Dharma for moral values, Artha for material goods or wealth, and Kama for erotic practices) that were intended to be read as a whole. It was though in those texts that the collection as a whole were the best practices to become a better person. While lots of people will focus on the just the Kama Sutra, more commonly it is just the sexual positions within the Kama Sutra that are publicized. The Kama Sutra was much more then just a collection of positions, it goes into great depth of how to prepare your body to perform at its best during sexual activities. From the suggestions that women should learn a fighting art form to learn control, balance, and conditioning. It also suggests that men should learn to sing, not only to help in courtship but also to learn breath control and increase stamina.

The Kama Sutra also goes into great depth as to how to relationships. From the proper ways of the time to contact a woman to the ways to interact with a married women that you wish to proposition for sex. These relationship interactions were taken vary seriously by all of the time. The relationship, as per the Kama Sutra, also spelled out what could be expected within that relationship. Discussing the duties of both parties in and out of the bedroom. This lead to much less misunderstandings between lovers, whom would have know what was expected of them as well as what they could expect from their partner. I find this to be a very enlightened idea that many people today could take a page from, so to speak, by removing the possibilities of misunderstandings by having expectations laid out before hand.

The Kama Sutra also talks about how to increase ones sex drive in many forms. From changing the location of your sexual activities, to the first use of incense, objects, or even media in the form of statues and paintings to increase the sexual desire of both parties. It discusses what scents bring forth sexual desire, and even what scents bring out what type of sexual desire from peaceful to aggressive. It talks about the use of phallic shaped objects being used to help in pleasure for both men and women. It even says of materials these objects should be made. This could be taken as the first use of porn as a way to increase sexual desire. It also makes a mention of learning your partners sexual desires, or what turns them on in modern terms, which could also be taken as one of the earliest documentation of fetishes. From research we know that while in present day, the Kama Sutra might be one of the most popular of the ancient texts about sex, it is not the earliest.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Questions from readers

I had a few questions from readers, so as promised here they are with answers.

I'm interested in kink but my life partner finds it a little strange. He is willing to choke me a little once in a while but I can tell he is uncomfortable with it so it's not as hot. Any advice?

Be reassuring when he does do it, let him know how hot it was for you (even if its not as hot as you want).  The point is for your SO to know that you like what they did.  Do you have a safeword/signal?  Having a safeword/signal will let him know that if he ever goes to far that you can tell him to stop.  Another idea would be to find some erotica with breathplay in it from the receivers point of view, so her can read how it makes someone else feel.

Would you ever cheat on your wife? If so, what would it take for you to do so?

No, I would never cheat on my wife.  One, cheating is one of the few things that I just can't stand.  There is no reason for it, its the cowards way out.  If you are unhappy with your relationship, then end the relationship and then its not cheating.  Far too often people try and find "reasons" or "excuses" or even blame their partner for why they cheated, when really if boils down to this.  You made a commitment, if you don't want to uphold that commitment anymore, then end the commitment.

Two, my wife and I can take on other partners as long as the other approves and is within the guidelines that we have established. There by removing that as a reason.  There are plenty of ways to also involve others without having to be cheating.  non-monogamous pairs have been around for years.  The big differance here is communication, of which my wife and I have a lot.  

I want to start of by saying that I'm extremely impressed with your blog. Unlike the few I've seen before, it isn't just a shade of cosmopolitan magazine, and truly supports the learning process of sex. I'm emailing you because I wasn't really sure if the comment box was working and I wanted the opportunity to hear your input. I like the idea of showing my dominance in the bedroom, but with a lack of creativity I have a hard time getting beyond just telling her what I want. At a certain point it's simply having regular sex except I've told her to do it. I know that dominance can be established in other ways, and I'd hate to give up the practice because it's becoming repetitive. Do you have any suggestions for a situation like this?

Thank you for your kind words. I due try and offer a wide variety of topics and try to offer as aspects of of that topic as I can. I feel that sex is one of the few topics that you can never learn it all, even myself.

Have you read the blog I wrote about Dominance and submission in the bedroom?
How your Dominance and submission for the two of you is going to play out, is up to you. Have you talked about what might be off limits for her to do? Once you know whats off limits to do, you can start from there on coming up with ideas of what to do. You can tell her to masturbate for you, to wear a specific outfit or style of clothing for you, really the possibilities or only limited by your own mind. If you still need some help, find out what she is not willing to do, what she really likes, what you like and let me know. I can see what I can come up with for you.

One way that I get ideas is to read erotica with a BDSM theme. A good site for this is Literotica.com. Read a few stories along the lines of what you like and see what kind of creative juices get flowing.

Thanks for the questions. I really do enjoy getting them. 

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Article about hearing "No"

A great article about hearing "no" when you don't want to from Good Vibrations.

Taking "No" like a Champ

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Monday, December 5, 2011

Another round of the 10 things that piss me off...

Its been awhile since I made my list of things that miss me off, while my earlier ones found here still do piss me off, there have been a few more that have been added to the list.  So here we go, another round of the 10 things that piss me off...

10. Men's Fashion: Have seen what some men are wearing these days?  What the hell happened to mens fashion?  I am not talking about the average jeans and a tee shirt guys, that has been a norm for years.  No, I am talking about some of the other fashion fails that have been walking around the streets.  To start, skinny jeans on guys, now I have no problem with flamboyant, in touch with your famine side guys, but skinny jeans are just to damn much.  This is a look that looks great on a women, but the high watered, so tight I can tell of your circumcised, and what kind of underwear you have on is just wrong on a guy.  If you want to cross dress then take it all the way and stop half assing it.  Get the high heals, the blouse and bra and do it right.

Another one is sagging pants.  Really, even if your stained underoos had something to say or were made of gold I still don't want to see them as you walk down the street with one arm holding them up!  This was started in prisons to say who wanted to to be fucked, so all you gangsta wanbees are saying you want to taken by a guy named Buba?  Pull up your pants, use a damn belt and have some fucking respect for yourself.

Last, for this rant, I am appalled at the lack of pride in the appearance in men.  If your going to be going to a formal function, like a wedding, make the damn effort to look good, even if you don't have a suit, wear a clean shirt and jeans, brush your hair, shave and make your self look good.  Heck, you can look good in just jeans and a tee, with about 5 mins in front of a mirror with a comb/brush and razor.  Take some damn pride in yourself.  I have heard men bitch about their lady letting herself go and not looking good, but at the same time it looks like they haven't bathed in months and have hair that Lady Gaga wouldn't even wear.  Take some pride and time to make yourself look good before stepping out of the house.

9. Speaker phones: No one else wants to hear your conversation about your baby daddy drama while walking through the store, or standing in line at the bank.  I really could care less about your personal shit, its personal and should stay that way.  Turn off the speaker or take your phone call outside.  Is it really that hard to hold the damn phone to your head?  If you have been talking so long that it hurts to hold it to your ear (its happened to me, after hours of phone sex) then its time to hang the damn thing off and interact with your surroundings.

8. Talking text speak: I know another about phones, but this one really bugs me.  ROFL means rolling on the floor laughing, so instead of saying ROFL to me, you ass better drop to the floor and start rolling.  Or LOL, it means you laughed out loud you moron, if it was that damn funny then you would have been laughing, and then I would have heard it, and you wouldn't have to tell me that you did it!  Text abbreviation are fine in texting, even in instant messaging, and the occasional email, but it should stay on the screen and not in your everyday talking.  When you do it, you sound like someone that can't put down your crackberry or Ipaid-to-much addiction and should be sent off to Miss Manors Boot Camp for the Socially Inept.

7. Name Brand Addiction: This one has bugged me for years.  Now don't get me wrong, I have some name brands that I buy, but I do for good reasons.  I will admit that I buy certain foods because they taste better to me, but I also have given the off brands or store brands a try.  This is not what I am bitching about. No, I am talking about shit like buying only Amber-crummy & Bitch, Areo-pat-to-much, and the like.  These clothes cost way to much for a company logo being put on something that I can buy cheaper at wally world.  Don't get me wrong, I buy certain things because of the name.  But I do so for a good reason, not just because its over priced clothing.

6. Flavored coffee: A simple one, when I want coffee, I want a coffee!  I want coffee flavored coffee.  Not  mocha, crapa, chino, double latti with a whip on top.  I have whips at home, thank you.

5. Motorized Shopping Carts: Now before you get up in arms about motorized carts being needed for those that can't walk, this is NOT what I am talking about.  I am talking about the ones at the large stores, the ones for loan while you shop.  More specifically, the fat fucks that could use the damn exercise getting around the store buy more food for them to shove in their pie holes.  Now I am not talking about people that are a little over weight, or have a weight problem, they I see walking around.  No its the ones where the problem is they eat to damn much and then take the carts from those that need it.  Like the girl forced to hobble around the store with a broken leg because all the carts were being used by fat asses.  That an 80 year old women had to go wait in her car until one became available.  Get off your ass and walk and maybe, just maybe you would loose some weight...

4. Something is gay: If something is Gay, then its happy.  It is not dumb, stupid, crappy, or any other derogatory term.  Way to many young people have been using Gay in the wrong way, and it needs to stop.  I have turned on friends for using this, and I will do it to anyone.  I know, I will start walking around saying, "Oh, that's straight..." But I don't think anyone will get the meaning...

3. Littering: This should be simple, but I will say it anyway.  How hard is it to put your trash where it goes?  What, you think all the rest of us like to pick up after you?  There are trash cans all over the place, at gas stations, in parking lots, stores, your own damn house!  Oh, and if I ever see someone throwing a bottle full of piss out the window I swear I will pick it up and throw it back into their car!

2. Disposable Crap:  I know that companies want to make money, but what the hell happened to making a quality product?  I would spend more, and buy quality when ever I find it.  When TV's are made to stop working in 3 years, cars fall apart in 5, and computers are almost throwaway items these days.  No wonder the economy sucks, when you have to keep spending money we don't have re-buying crap all the damn time.

1. Anti-Theft devices: Not that I mind the idea of store protecting their merchandise, but when stores have to start locking up razor blades, razor blades!  Stop stealing you ungrateful pricks!  It ends up costing us all, and even when you do get away with it the first few times, when you do go to buys something you end up paying for the cost then.  So stop stealing and we all will save, dumb asses...

Well there we go, maybe not as good as the first list, but still things that piss me off...

-Haven

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Great article about misleading stories about sex research

This is a great article about how some media source skew sex research into something negative.  So here, I am spreading the ccorrect info.  Please read.

Good Vibrations "Another Case of Misleading Headlines About Sex Research"

Pass it on and keep it kinky!

-Haven

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Iowa teen speaking out on gay marriage.

A great video.  I think more need to come forward like this.  This is what this is really about.  This young man should be commended.

Well done!

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Article on abstinence not working from Good Vibes

What a shock, a good read, take a look.

Abstinence not working from Good Vibes

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Updated classes

The list of class that I teach has been updated.

Feel free to check it out here

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Monday, November 28, 2011

Dominant vs. Abusive Asshole

This is something that has gotten a lot of talk on some of the forums and social sites, and is mentioned occasionally in some of the many BDSM books that I have read. What is the differences between someone who is Dominant and when the line is crossed into abuse.  I hope to convey what red flags to watch for, when that line is crossed, and to show what is healthy or not.

I come to these thoughts after many years of living in and around the BDSM lifestyle as well as many talks and communications with many leaders in domestic abuse centers.   I have found that while there are somethings that are obvious signs of abuse, a lot of those that teach anti-abuse seminars or are helping those that have been abused see a lot of what happens in a Dominant/submissive as signs of abuse. 

The first point I would like to make is that of Dominance.  Yes, when someone is Dominant, they take control of some or all aspects of another persons life.  The biggest difference here is that this is done with consent of the person giving up that control.  Because that consent is given freely to the Dominant, that consent can be taken away just as freely.  If that consent can not be removed or taken back then that person is no longer being Dominant and it has become abuse.  I make this distinction because control is one of the major signs of an abusive relationship but also within a Dominant/submissive relationship.

Isolation is also a known sign of abuse.  Now I have seen some aspects of isolation within a Dominant relationship.  The distinction comes in how much.  Isolation comes when you are removed from your friends and family, having the feeling of being alone.  I agree that this is abuse.  Now I have seen Dominants that will restrict or stop their submissives contact with some people in their life.  The difference here is that in every one of those cases, there was a very good reason for that contact to be removed.  From "every time you hand out with Scot, you get drunk and do something stupid" to "when you have seen Tammy, she gets you so depressed."  This is not isolation, but usually done for the better of the submissive.  Isolation is the removal of all friends.  Also, no Dominant, no matter what, will not demand removal of your family.

Lastly would be physical abuse.  This can be a sticky subject with most, but that is because most abuse counselors can not fathom that pain can be something that people enjoy.  The difference here does fall back to consent.  If the pain being inflicted is consensual then this is Dominance, if it is not, then it is abuse.  It is really that simple.

I hope that this helps understand the differences between Dominance and abuse.  Comments are always welcome, here or to kinkyasiam@gmail.com.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Ask me anything?

If you look to the right on side bar, you will see a box titled "Ask Me Anything". 

This box will send a question to my account on FormSpring, where I will answer them.  If you click the "Send Anonymous", then it does just that.

Please feel free to ask me any questions that you want.  The best of those will be posted in a blog later.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Friday, November 25, 2011

Sex treated like a crime

So this past week I started looking for news stories about sex and BDSM.  In doing so, I was became most and more pissed by our media and society as a whole here in the USA.  More then 3/4 of the stories that I found from here in the US were about sex crimes, and 1/2 of those were about the drama down in PA.  Out of all the searching I did, I only found a few that were positive about sex.

What the hell people, no wonder people have such a stigma about sex.  Our media focus so much on the negativity around sex that when we go to bed thats all we can think of.  Sex crime this, molester found here, and all this delivered to you every night on the news, in every paper, and in every paper.

While these things still piss me off just as much as the next person, but we don't need to focus on this all the time.  What about the stories about the older couples that are still having an active sex life?  What about a story about the new research on how IUC's might be causing a drop in the infection rate of HPV.  No, that kind of story might, MIGHT, cause people to go out and have more sex! 

No, the media and cultural heads want everyone to think that sex is only between married, heterosexual couples, with the lights off, under the covers, only in the missionary position, and done quickly so no one enjoys it.  This my friends is bullshit!  Sex in fun and pleasurable, sex should be something we all think of in positive thoughts. 

I leave you with this, turn off the news when they start in negatively on sex, toss that paper aside and remember what sex really is.  If you can, write a letter to the editor telling them you want more sex positive stories.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

BDSM, Sex in the news! Nov. 22, 2011

This is the first in what I hope to do once a week.  Bring you links to news articles from around the world the feature BDSM, Sex, Kink, and relationships in the news.  Some I will make my comments on, others I will just post the link and let you decide.

Our first offering comes from the Winnipeg Free Press.  An article titled "No pain, no gain: BDSM Club is Safe, Sane, and Consensual," which talks about a BDSM club in Winnipeg.  I find it refreshing to see this kind of article about BDSM.

Unleashed: The secret world of Britain's dominatrixes 

Mom gets conditional discharge in abuse of son:  Another example of BDSM being used to cover someone being abusive.

Teaching Good Sex:

Principal reports 'possible sex crime' after 2 students kiss:  I am speechless...

Sex education shifts in Texas

The Sex Workout:

Women gamers have more sex, study finds

Study: Sex Puts a Shine on Golden Years 

AboutCurves.Com Is Changing The Shopping Experience With The Addition Of A Shop By Size Page

As always feel free to comment here or send me a message at kinkyasiam@gmail.com.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Monday, November 21, 2011

How to Lick Pussy, Part 2, More Tips

I guess its not surprising, but this is the most commonly asked question I get.  Since I have already wrote a blog about this already (Pussy Licking 101) I feel I should share a few more tips and tricks that I have picked up over the years of going down on women.

  • ABC oral: So this one might sound a bit odd, but it really does work.  If you have ever slipped your way between her thighs to her holy ground, caressing her as you go, and then freeze because you don't know what to do?  This will help, use your tongue to spell out that alphabet in upper case letters.  I know, sounds corning, but it works to get your tongue to move all over her pussy.  If you get to Z, start over, or for fun, try lower case letters.  It doesn't matter, just get that tongue in there and move it, move it!
  • Rhythm: "He moves to fast" is a common complaint from women.  Thing is, fast is good, just not all the time.  Try to lick slowly for a while, around the outer lips, then move in for a fast slice up the middle.  The variation in your speed can increase her pleasure by not knowing what your going to do next.
  • Direction: Unlike driving (Turn here Honey!), being told what and where is OK.  Most men would appreciate a little direction when it comes to oral sex, we are down there to please the girl.  In this, it can be helpful to place a hand in our hair and push or pull slightly to the spot you want to be licked.  This not only tells us what you want, you will get what you want more then likely, and besides, you will feel like a porn star.
  • Ice: For a wild twist, after you have been working her over for awhile, take a piece of ice from the cup of ice water near by (What, you don't have one?  Next time remember to hydrate after sex!), place it in your mouth and continue to lick her pussy, starting with the outer lips.  I warn you, this sometimes can be to much, but it also can be a wonderfully shocking and pleasurable experience. 
  • The Other Parts: When you doing an oral exam of her lower lips, you don't have to restrict yourself to just to her pussy.  Yes, I know, this is about oral sex, but do you ever just eat one food? No, you don't.  Think of this much the same way.  When you are going down on her, feel free to use you hands other places.  If she enjoys having her breasts played with, then reach a hand up and play with them.  If she is into a little spanking, then eat her out while laying on your sides and give her ass a good smack or two.
  • Bondage: Bondage is just great for oral sex, no matter who it is.  When someone is tied down or bound, it is almost like giving them a ticket to let go and enjoy whats happening.  Just make sure that they are bound is such a way that you can still get access to the parts you are going to want to play with.  On the flip side, binding the one that will be doing the licking can take the power out of the their hands (which most agree is where it is during oral sex) and put it back in the hands of the girl.  My only warning about this is, if the person that is bound is going to be doing the licking and they are on the bottom, make sure you let up every once in a while so they can breath.  Refer to my blog on Bondage for more info.
  • Playing the Senses: It is a know fact that when when you remove one sense that the others become heightened.  Since eating a girl out is mostly physical sensation, you can play around with her other senses.  Try blindfolding her, or plug in her MP3 Player to some sexy music for her to listen to.  Just removing her sight and sound from her senses can make it feel like what you are doing to her is more intense.
There you go, some more ideas of how you can please you girl with your oral skills.

As always, if you have any comments feel free to post them here or send me a message at kinkyasiam@gmail.com.

Keep it Kinky!

-Haven 

Friday, November 18, 2011

Whining, The Arsnic of Realationships

If you asked me to name the one thing that can kill a relationship, its whining.  No, doing it once will not do it, but over time, whining is like relationship poison.  Every time it happens its just a little more grinding, every time it wares away at the relationship just a little more.  We have all been there with someone in our life, where they whine all the time, and each time its chips away at us, until it takes the last chip out of the damn and the emotions pour over us like so much muddy water.

The real problem is, that even as we were kids we have been told not to whine, but did anyone ever tell you how what you say is whining, or what you are doing to come across as whining?  I am guessing not.  One of the things that I have realized over the years is that a lot of people don't put a lot of thought into the tone of what they are saying.  Ever hear the phrase "Half of what you say is how you say it?"  This was a phrase that I grew up with, and what it means is that when you speak that half of your message is in the words you use, and the rest is in how you say it with your tone (If you are face to face with someone then also your body language as well.)

So what is whining?  Its hard to explain in words, but here goes.  Whining is usually in a higher pitch, sounds like a plea or a complaint, usually depressed tone, and sometimes is repetitious.  It also makes the person that is hearing the whining or that is getting whined to feel upset, aggravated, or simple to not want to talk to that person any more.  We all have had kids in our lives that have whined at or around us.  That niece at the Thanksgiving table that whines until she gets her stuffing, or that kid in the store whining for a toy, or that damn emo kid on the bus that just won't shut up about how bad his life is with his "normal" parents...

You get my point...

In every one of those examples, the same message could have been conveyed without whining.  So back to romantic relationships, and the most common whine, "I miss you."  By its self, not a usually a problem.  But when you whine it, your message of longing becomes a message of "Its your fault your not here" or, "I WANT MY MOMMY" even if thats not what you meant, thats what whining tells the other person.

Instead, I suggest using up beat, and hopeful tones.  Say things like "Man I can't wait to hold you again" or, "Just you wait, when I see you again, I am never letting go," ok, maybe that last one might seem a bit much, but I think you get the idea.  Whining can take something nice and make it depressing.  I encourage you to listen to yourself, see if your whining, and if you are, STOP IT!

That should do it, as always, comments and messages always welcome.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Monday, November 7, 2011

Erotic Edge Play 101, Bringing them to the Edge


Edge play, knife play, even scratching to a point, can be very erotic to some, if not most people. It can be from the sensation, the risk, the fear, the pain, or a mixture of them. For whatever the reason, this type of fun can bring whole new or different types of sensations and feelings to your erotic escapades.  

WARNING

Playing with any sharp blade can be dangerous, just like your mother always told you, and you can hurt yourself and others if you are not careful. So whenever you play with any sharp edge, be aware of your surroundings. Make sure that you are sure you are not going to slip when using the blade, either when kneeling or standing. Also be sure of where you are using the knife that you won't be bumped or bump into anything (I know, but stepping back onto something then falling forward, stabbing your partner is not as fun as it sounds). To this end, I do not recommend using any blade in a crowded area, such as a crowded party.  Last bit of safety, make sure your blades are clean before each use, or make sure you only use the blade for play. While giving your partner the staff is fun, a staph infection is not.  Keep some disinfecting wipes or a clean wash cloth handy, just in case.

Now that we have that out of the way, on to the kinky fun! For whatever the reason that you or your partner are playing on the sharp edge, let’s get to the how's. Granted there are lots of ways that you can use an edge, but in the end it’s really boils down to scratching, cutting, and piercing. Scratching would be taking the tip of the blade while holding it almost perpendicular to the skin, or your nails, and scratching down the skin. I find that this works really well on a single edge blade, and pulling towards the sharpened side. Cutting is really not cutting (unless that is what your bottom consented to) but is using the sharper edge of the blade across the skin. Piercing, as it sounds, is pushing just the point of the blade into the skin, NOT stabbing them, but just breaking the skin with the tip.

How edge play differs from say, just cutting, is all in pressure.  With just a little to no pressure, letting the blades own weight, you can give the sensation of the cold metal on the skin, and sometimes even the mental effect of cutting with only breaking the first 2 layers of skin.  The more pressure you use, the deeper the cut or scratch.  Play around with this, starting soft and increasing the pressure to see what your bottom likes.  There is a fine line between "oohhh" and "You cut me you son of a bitch!"

We have the how’s, now the real fun, the where. Where can you use an edge on the body, anywhere! Yup, that’s right. As long as you are not slicing your bottom up like a lion eating a wildebeest, then you really can use it anywhere. Granted everyone is different, and where they may like to have an edge used can vary from person to person. Some common places that are enjoyable include, the upper back/shoulders, inner forearms, inner thigh, and back of neck. Some others, but not as common are the feet, front of neck, and ears. Now I know what you are thinking, and yes you can use them on the naughty bits, just be VERY careful for these are the most sensitive of body parts. 

The last part to cover would be how to hold the edged toy you are using.  This depends a lot on what kind you’re using, a knife, a sword, a sharpened claw, etc.  The best way is whatever feels the most comfortable for you and what part of the body you are using it on.  I find that with most knives I will hold them as they should be when cutting steak, other times I will hold it like I would a pencil when writing.

As with any kind of play that can be painful, it is better to have the bottom warmed up or even aroused.  This arousal endorphins running thought their blood highway, the pain will feel that much better.

That’s it, and if you have any questions please feel free to comment or send me a message at KinkyAsIam@gmail.com.


Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Friday, November 4, 2011

Seduction after marriage...

Remember seeing that attractive person across the room, walking up them, talking with them, showing the best side of you, playing with your hair or making sure they had your undivided attention. All those things that you did to seduce that person so that they would go home with you?

Yes, you remember. Well that doesn't have to end after marriage, in fact, it shouldn't. It is an unfortunate thought in our culture that once your married that the courtship ends. We might stop taking care of ourselves, stop doing those little things for our SO that we did to win them over, stop seducing them, like we have won some race and now can sit on the bench.

This is not the case at all.

This ties into the keeping a relationship alive. They fell in love with you doing those things, so when you stop doing those things for them it can feel like you no longer care about them. Think of it less like a race and more like a car. You can go for a while one what you already did, but eventually you have to put more gas in to go further.

Just remember that you need to keep seducing your lover even after.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Thursday, October 27, 2011

TV Killed the Father Role Model

Yup, I said it. TV sitcoms have official killed the father role model. If you watch any sitcoms in the last 5 years with fathers in them, they are all bumbling, lying, and downright dumb. Really, is that what we see as a society in our fathers? Its one of the many reasons I don't watch sitcoms. As a father and husband I just pisses me off to see these buffoons making a mockery of something I hold dear. I make it a point to be the best father and husband that I can be.

Case in point, "According to Jim", "8 Simple Rules", "My Wife and Kids" to name a few. All of these have fathers that lie. Really, its not that hard of a thing, not lie to your spouse or kids (unless its about Santa), but these shows them doing it all the damn time. How are to expect anyone to take lying seriously when these morons get away with doing it all the time? If I lied to my wife or friends half as much as these asshats do I would be out on my ass or without friends for the rest of my life.

What happened to the strong father, the ones that showed their kids what to do and how to act with actions. I guess that would not be "funny", or at least humorous to the masses. About the only show on recently that I can think of with a strong father in it is "Castle", and its even funny! The worst thing is, its intelligent humor and there for will probably be pulled from the air in the next year and replaced with The Real Housewives of the Jersey Shore Real World Road Rules Challenge Survivor Race...

To all of you that are still great Father role models, keep it up, or we will end up with a society of people raised by bumbling lying buffoons.

Keep it, well, Keep it up...

-Haven

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Recommended Blog

So I hope that most of you enjoy getting the Haven perspective, but I also know that I and my thoughts are not for everyone. For what ever reason, my writing style, my views, or maybe its just because I hair on my big toes.

Because of this, I would like to recommend another blog that you all might be interested in. Written by lady, and while its for all she does focus more on the women's side of things in relationships, kink, BDSM, and sex. I encourage you all to take a look over her blog, yes, even guys for it is always good to listen to women when it comes to what they want.

Tarnished Halo

Keep in kinky!

-Haven

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Nice piece of erotica on Good Vibes

Here is a nice little piece of erotica to get your blood flowing this morning. Why, because its Tuesday and don't we all need a little more good erotica in our lives?

"Going Home" by Rose William. Published on Good Vibrations Magazine.


“Nine car SFO/Millbrae train arriving in six minutes.” I shivered a little. The elevated outdoor platform at the Fruitvale station was chilly, and it was late.

“Cold honey? Let me warm you up.” Cally stepped up close to me and pressed herself against the length of my body. I had been lightly leaning against a post, and found myself suddenly pinned against it.

“A little. I never wear enough layers.”

“Well, we have six minutes. I bet I can get you pretty hot by the time the train comes.” She grinned and kissed me hard.

I didn’t want her to kiss me. I didn’t want her to win me back. We had broken up this weekend and had only kept this dinner date because we weren’t quite ready to explain to all of our friends that we were splitting up. But she had cheated on me. And even though it was last year, and the only reason I knew about it was that she had drunkenly, tearfully, confessed it late Saturday night, I didn’t want her lips on me. Not lips that had lied to me for ten months. Not lips that had fucked some random girl while I was out of town.

But she kissed me anyway. And because she’s electric, it did warm me up. All it took was her red lips on mine, and I had forgotten the chill. She had always been able to do that to me. One kiss from her and I forgot the world.

Except this time, I couldn’t forget. I couldn’t forget that we were about to go home to separate bedrooms. And that she was looking for a new place. And that I still had to break the news to pretty much everyone I knew. And that those lips had been on someone else. That I wasn’t the only one she was electrifying.

“Look, I know what you’re thinking. And I know that we’re over. And I know that you might not be able to believe this, but I love you. And I always have. And I just want to feel close to you and do one nice thing for you. Let me warm you up. Five minutes till the train. Let me see what I can do for you in five minutes. I promise I’m not being tricky. I just want to do this. Here. Because…”

Click here to read the whole piece.

-Haven

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Women, can you get turned on when not in the mood?

So I have been working this over in my head after a discussion I had earlier. Women, can you get aroused or turned on when your not in the mood?

I created the following to find out what you women think.

Women, please fill it out and yes its completely anonymous.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

New and imporoved fetish list up!

Thats right, this years version of the ever growing fetish checklist is up!

Click Here for the Fetish Checklist

I have broken the list into five parts, Sexual, Non-sexual, Pain, Body and Clothing, and Objects.

I felt that this would be a better way of braking up what was becoming a very large list. Also, I thought that now you can do the parts that interest you, but can do the whole thing as well to get a better idea of your fetish's.

Please take a look and by all means if you have some feedback you can leave it here or send it to me directly at kinkyasiam@gmail.com.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Book review: Blood Law (Blood Moon Trilogy Book 1)

I do think that the genera written on the back of the book really does sum it well, “Paranormal Erotic Romance.” Now don't let the romance part scare you guys away from this book. While there is a love interest in the story, the Paranormal and Erotic part were placed before it for a reason. First and foremost this is a story about werewolves and those that hunt them.

Set in the present day California mountains, this tale weaves the story of Fallon, a lost young lady trying to figure out where she fits in when she knows that she doesn't. Hiding off the grid, stealing what and when she has to and on the edge of starvation and mental collapse. This is where the story begins, and where her life changes forever as she meets Raphael, Mr Werewolf Kinking Ass. From there the story is filled with action and fighting as the werewolves too struggle to survive in the modern day.

Throughout the story there are some of the hottest and well written erotic scenes that I have read in a long time. Now don't think that this book is all about the sex, in fact I am very impressed as to how the sex ties into the story in much more then most erotic novels that use the story to loosely tie together page after page of sex. While there is some great sex, it all blends together with the story and the action to give you a very well written novel that will keep you turning the page.

Now some of you may be wondering why the title Blood Law, and if there is an American Indian connection. The answer in short is “yes.” The author brings together American Indian lore with the werewolf mythology, mixing them together to give not only a great background as to the whys but also the hows of werewolves. All this is done in a very believable manor that will makes the reader think.

This is part one of three, and while I hate waiting, the next book will be out in March of 2012 with the third to fallow later that fall. This is the only down side to this book, is that it leaves you on a cliff and wanting more. So if your the type that can't handle the wait, then I would suggest waiting until all the books are out next year and then dive in where you can read the whole story at once.

If you like werewolves or erotica this is a great book for you.

-Haven

Saturday, August 20, 2011

BDSM & Rape: From Good Vibes Magazine

A very good article discussing a topic most to not want to touch.

BDSM & Rape, Now what.

Not many in the BDSM lifestyle really want to talk about this, but I like what Good Vibes had to say. This is a problem that I have seen first hand and I think every new person, should read this. Heck, everyone should, so we can all better understand this issue.

I know that this is one of the things that scares me when ever I bring someone new into the this world. For subs, its becoming a victim, for Doms its finding out that they are abusive.

Please read and discus for silence is what allows this to happen.

-Haven

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Higher Education

Today I thought I would share some good erotica with you.

Higher Education

Here is the first paragraph.

"He has beady eyes, thick wire-rimmed glasses, no fashion sense at all and a belly that sticks out over his belt…and yet all I can think about is how badly I want him to fuck me, how much I would love to rip off his cheap fake leather belt and suck what I am sure is his very fat cock. I’ve taken a few classes with him during my college career and this, our fourth, will be the hardest on my GPA. It’s not that I’m bored. In fact, I’m overly interested. The way he lectures on the poetry from his country, the one I’ve always dreamed of visiting, completely sucks me in. His intelligence, his passion, his enthusiasm, get my mind spinning in all the wrong ways and as a result my grade is suffering. Thankfully, this is my last semester and a B won’t keep me out of grad school. This knowledge not only relieves my stress, but also the sexual frustration I’ve had to deal with for the past four years. Now that I’m on my way out, I’ve decided to do something…ballsy."

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Kinky as I am Glossery and Safty

The following is my glossary, or my interpretation of the following terms. I offer this to give you a better understanding of how I see things when reading the rest of my writings.

BDSM, fetish, kink, just about all of us have heard these terms before. You may not know an exact definition of what they mean, but you have a good idea what they are. The worst thing is, each of these terms mean something different depending on who you talk to. What I can do is give you what they mean to most people and how they are used in the adult world of fun.

Lets start off with BDSM. You can ask 10 different people what it means and you will get 10 different answers. The worst thing is, non of them would be wrong, really. BDSM as an acronym has various explanations, but on the whole what it means entails them all. From Bondage, Domination, Discipline, Submission, Sadomasochism, Slave, Master, Mistress, etc. BDSM is all of these and more.

Fetish is one of those words that means something different in common language then the textbook definition. By the dictionary, a fetish is some activity or object that must be present to reach sexual climax. Now a days, it means any activity or object that turns you on. Fetishes can be anything from a type of material to a sound, an activity to a feeling. So yes, BDSM is fetishes.

Kink or kinky is what a lot of people use to describe those that have or indulge in their fetishes or BDSM. Kinky has also been used in the past to describe anyone that has sex in anyway other then missionary, lights off, and married. What you view as kinky might be different then your best friend. This term in particular is always up for impression.

Top and Bottom are two terms that I will use a lot. A top is someone that does a physical act, like binding, beating, or spanking. A bottom is the receiver of what a top is doing, the one getting bound, beaten, or spanked.

Dominant and Submissive are behavioral aspects of BDSM. A dominant is someone that takes control of a situation, scene, or person. A submissive is the person that gives up that control. This power exchange is done consensually and freely. If there is not consent, then the dominant is out of control themselves and should be avoided (or reported to the cops if their actions are illegal) and the submissive is being victimized. You can not take control with out someone else releasing their control. In other words, you can not be Dominant with out someone being submissive. Yes you can have Dominant leanings, but you can not truly dominant over someone that is not willing to release that control to you. It is my opinion that neither dominant or submissive is stronger then the other, you simple can not have one without the other.

Switch is used from time to time when talking about topping or bottoming, dominance and submissive. This simply means that you like both sides, or can "switch" between the two.

Limits are just that, what you are not or really do not want to do. A limit you will not cross is called a Hard Limit. Example: "Hell no I will not do THAT!" IE: Hard Limit. A limit that you have no interest in or are very hesitant to try would be a Soft Limit. You might do it for the right person or under only particular circumstances.

Safety, I cannot stress enough the importance of this. The safety of the person receiving is bar none the most important thing in BDSM even more so then the pleasure. The first of which is a safe word or signal. This can be anything but it is suggested that it not be something that comes up in you sexual act or scene. So "Ouch, you son of a bitch" is not a good safe word as you never know when that just might be said. Good words are "Red", "Nine" (as in German for no), or you mothers name (But who knows that might be your fetish) to use as a “All Stop”. Another side is a warning word. This commonly is “yellow” and means that something is not right but that the bottom still wants to continue. The main thing is that you talk about it and discus a safe word before the first cuff is tightened. Green can also be used to say everything is great and to keep going (Yes, just like a traffic light)!

In some situations (like a gagged bottom) a safe word is just not possible; the solution is a sign or signal. I personal favorite for this is practice golf balls in each of the bottoms hands. They are light, easy to hold, and are very hard to brake from dropping of squeezing. If the bottom drops one ball then I know that she is starting to get uncomfortable and needs the scene to take another direction. If both drop then it's all stop and time to get her ungagged to find out the problem… If the first thing she says is the safe word after the gag comes off, well you get the idea.

Once you have your safe word established, you should memorizes it and always remember it. During any part of your play if one of you speaks the safe word all activities stop until the speaking party feels comfortable again. In layman’s terms, if you have your boyfriend tied down to the bed, blindfolded, while you are blow him and are trying to stick a finger in his ass and he says the safety word you stop, end of story.

As always feel free to comment, and keep it kinky!

-Haven

Friday, March 25, 2011

Feeling Alone in Poly

This question was submitted to me. I feel that others might be dealing with the same issues.

“I was just trying to find people that might have some words of wisdom for someone who finds themselves alone in a poly relationship, the partner is always chasing shinys, leaving me feeling useless and like a backup plan.. plus no one ever is interested in me that I am attracted to , So I don't get shinys
she' was pretty close to the center of my world, but I hardly rank in hers… just trying to figure out how to deal with it..other than just walking away and being actually alone..
I guess that about sums it up...”
-Anonymous

Your partner is breaking the first rule of poly, never allow your secondary (or search there of) to over shadow your primary relationship. The only way that poly will work is if EVERYONE is happy, not just some. In other words, you need to make sure that you are giving both your partners an amount of attention that makes them feel loved. If you can not do that, then you should not be poly.

Let me explain further. Some people are just not able to be poly (even if they are open to the idea of it) because they need more attention of their partner then they can give while looking for or having a 2nd relationship. Nothing wrong with this, its just what they need in a relationship.

If your feeling like a “backup plan” its time to sit them down and tell them so. They simply. like you said. might just be blinded by the shiny and may not realize they are making you feel this way. Tell them so, and ask them to spend more time with you.

Many can relate to this (heck even me) that they don't feel that anyone is interested that they are interested in as well. In a scenes, you both have to be on the look out for both of you. One of the reasons is that its possible that those that would be interested simply do not know that your available. Lets face it, most people think that once someone is in a relationship they are off limits. In a way, some of the relationships that we have had have come from the other partner letting someone know that they can pursue their partner.

So, talk to your partner, tell them how your feeling, let them have a chance to fix it before you walk away. Walking away should be your last option, so that when you do walk away you know that you have done all that you can and are doing so with no regrets.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Taking your Kink on Vacation.

We all need a vacation from time to time, sometimes those vacations are long enough that we need to get out kink on while away from home. Sometimes that vacation is with people that do not know that you like things a little spicy in bed. Or, worst of all, you don't want to explain why you have 50 feet of rope, three vibrators, 2 knifes and a rubber chicken in your bag to homeland security. Either way, here are some hints as to how to bring your kink on vacation with you.

Scarfs and Nylons: Just like using them when you first started out in your path to learn bondage, these can be your best friend when traveling. No one will suspect that the scarfs your extra thigh highs that you packed are for bondage. Side Note: Never, ever, even think, cross your mind, or entertain the possibility that the fire suppression system sprayers can be used for bondage in ANY way. Trust me on this one...

The Hidden Vibrator: Most adult toy companies make vibrators that are disguised as everyday items like lipstick, a hairbrush, bath scrubbers, heck even your rubber duckies. These are a great way to bring some fun with you and no one but you will know. Just remember to remove the batteries for them toy and back them separately. A vibrating bag on the baggage pick up is bound to draw some unwanted attention.

Pick it up once your there: Some stuff can simple be picked up once you are on vacation, cheaper items like paint mixers, skewers, and the like. These can be bought once you are their and are cheap enough to be left behind once your vacation is over.

Its all in the Hand of the Beholder: There are a few things that you will always have, your hands. Yes, those wonderful appendages that you take with you everywhere. Sometimes in the search for thrills and fun we forget about some of the simplest things that we can use to spice things up. You don't need a paddle, cane, crop or flogger for impact play. A simple spanking with your hand is the simplest and no one will know that you will be using your hands later that night.

There ya go, some simple ways to take your kink with you on vacation.

Keep it Kinky!

-Haven

Request for Participants: Interviews on BDSM and its effect on trauma and shame.

A very interesting research project dealing with BDSM and its use's as a coping mechanism for sexual trauma and shame. Click here for form.

Here is the main information from the front page.

As a student at Goddard College I am gathering stories from individuals who have experienced sexual trauma and have, either successfully or unsuccessfully, intentionally used BDSM to cope with, treat, or otherwise re-direct their emotions around the issue. BDSM is a compound acronym referring to Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism among other variants in sexual exploration. For the purposes of this survey it is the term used to account for all "alternative" sexual practices related to the mentioned activities.

This interview is being administered under the assumption that you, as the interviewee, have at some point willingly experimented with spanking, being tied up, tying someone up, role playing, and other related activities that may not be detailed in this interview. If discussing these aspects of your experience is not acceptable please feel free to end the interview now. If not, we will begin with some questions to establish a common understanding and build to more personal questions.

With those willing, I would like to do interviews in person or over the phone as available. I will be making personal trips to the San Francisco, Seattle, New York and other areas to hold interviews if enough participants are interested. Phone interviews will be conducted for those unable or uninterested in attending.

The final purpose of this project is to assemble a collected work of stories and experiences that expresses some of the decisions and feelings involved in the various paths people have taken through this. The presentation will be similar to The Vagina Monologues, Pouring Tea, and other collected oral and written histories.

-Tim Murray
tim.murray@goddard.edu

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Why, Part 2. Submission.

NOTICE: The blog has been pulled for rewrite, rephrasing, and further explanation.

While I stand by what I wrote, I feel that after some consideration that I might have not explained and expressed it as well as I could have. I appreciate those that have commented and hope that you will comment on the revised version of this post.

Thank you,

-Haven De Lancret

Monday, March 21, 2011

Haven @ DetroitSpace

Just announced, Haven De Lancret will be teaching edge and knife play at DetroitSpace Aug. 13th.

Learn the power and excitement that can be found at the edge of a blade against the skin. Learn the how-to's of using knifes, claws, large blades, and even your own nails in BDSM, sensual scenes and other sexual fun. Feel free to bring your own blades and see of any edge can be used is this way.

For more info, check our DetroitSpace.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Haven's Favorite Rope Videos

I felt since I am getting into selling bondage rope, that I should share some of my favorite videos from Two Knotty Boys on rope ties.

Double Coin Knot: Great decorative knot that can be easily added to any tie.


Hair Corset: Great for keeping hair out of the way or incorporating into a harness.


Zip Snare: Use this one a lot for tie downs.


Dragonfly Sleeves: Just beautiful when done.


There ya go, enjoy!

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Why, Part 1. Dominance.

NOTICE: The blog has been pulled for rewrite, rephrasing, and further explanation.

While I stand by what I wrote, I feel that after some consideration that I might have not explained and expressed it as well as I could have. I appreciate those that have commented and hope that you will comment on the revised version of this post.

Thank you,

-Haven De Lancret

Monday, March 14, 2011

Twitter!

Yes, Kinky as I am now has a Twitter!

http://twitter.com/#!/@KinkyasIam

Follow and get the updates on new posts, events, and other fun things.

-Haven

Sunday, March 13, 2011

An Apology

To my subscribers, I am sorry that I have not been posting much this new year. Life has been interesting in the past few months. But I am making a renewed effort to get back into my writing and will be posting more in future.

Be looking for new posts on Tuesdays.

Thank you for your reading, and for the record. Whats your favorite color?

-Haven