Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Kinky as I am Glossery and Safty

The following is my glossary, or my interpretation of the following terms. I offer this to give you a better understanding of how I see things when reading the rest of my writings.

BDSM, fetish, kink, just about all of us have heard these terms before. You may not know an exact definition of what they mean, but you have a good idea what they are. The worst thing is, each of these terms mean something different depending on who you talk to. What I can do is give you what they mean to most people and how they are used in the adult world of fun.

Lets start off with BDSM. You can ask 10 different people what it means and you will get 10 different answers. The worst thing is, non of them would be wrong, really. BDSM as an acronym has various explanations, but on the whole what it means entails them all. From Bondage, Domination, Discipline, Submission, Sadomasochism, Slave, Master, Mistress, etc. BDSM is all of these and more.

Fetish is one of those words that means something different in common language then the textbook definition. By the dictionary, a fetish is some activity or object that must be present to reach sexual climax. Now a days, it means any activity or object that turns you on. Fetishes can be anything from a type of material to a sound, an activity to a feeling. So yes, BDSM is fetishes.

Kink or kinky is what a lot of people use to describe those that have or indulge in their fetishes or BDSM. Kinky has also been used in the past to describe anyone that has sex in anyway other then missionary, lights off, and married. What you view as kinky might be different then your best friend. This term in particular is always up for impression.

Top and Bottom are two terms that I will use a lot. A top is someone that does a physical act, like binding, beating, or spanking. A bottom is the receiver of what a top is doing, the one getting bound, beaten, or spanked.

Dominant and Submissive are behavioral aspects of BDSM. A dominant is someone that takes control of a situation, scene, or person. A submissive is the person that gives up that control. This power exchange is done consensually and freely. If there is not consent, then the dominant is out of control themselves and should be avoided (or reported to the cops if their actions are illegal) and the submissive is being victimized. You can not take control with out someone else releasing their control. In other words, you can not be Dominant with out someone being submissive. Yes you can have Dominant leanings, but you can not truly dominant over someone that is not willing to release that control to you. It is my opinion that neither dominant or submissive is stronger then the other, you simple can not have one without the other.

Switch is used from time to time when talking about topping or bottoming, dominance and submissive. This simply means that you like both sides, or can "switch" between the two.

Limits are just that, what you are not or really do not want to do. A limit you will not cross is called a Hard Limit. Example: "Hell no I will not do THAT!" IE: Hard Limit. A limit that you have no interest in or are very hesitant to try would be a Soft Limit. You might do it for the right person or under only particular circumstances.

Safety, I cannot stress enough the importance of this. The safety of the person receiving is bar none the most important thing in BDSM even more so then the pleasure. The first of which is a safe word or signal. This can be anything but it is suggested that it not be something that comes up in you sexual act or scene. So "Ouch, you son of a bitch" is not a good safe word as you never know when that just might be said. Good words are "Red", "Nine" (as in German for no), or you mothers name (But who knows that might be your fetish) to use as a “All Stop”. Another side is a warning word. This commonly is “yellow” and means that something is not right but that the bottom still wants to continue. The main thing is that you talk about it and discus a safe word before the first cuff is tightened. Green can also be used to say everything is great and to keep going (Yes, just like a traffic light)!

In some situations (like a gagged bottom) a safe word is just not possible; the solution is a sign or signal. I personal favorite for this is practice golf balls in each of the bottoms hands. They are light, easy to hold, and are very hard to brake from dropping of squeezing. If the bottom drops one ball then I know that she is starting to get uncomfortable and needs the scene to take another direction. If both drop then it's all stop and time to get her ungagged to find out the problem… If the first thing she says is the safe word after the gag comes off, well you get the idea.

Once you have your safe word established, you should memorizes it and always remember it. During any part of your play if one of you speaks the safe word all activities stop until the speaking party feels comfortable again. In layman’s terms, if you have your boyfriend tied down to the bed, blindfolded, while you are blow him and are trying to stick a finger in his ass and he says the safety word you stop, end of story.

As always feel free to comment, and keep it kinky!


Friday, March 25, 2011

Feeling Alone in Poly

This question was submitted to me. I feel that others might be dealing with the same issues.

“I was just trying to find people that might have some words of wisdom for someone who finds themselves alone in a poly relationship, the partner is always chasing shinys, leaving me feeling useless and like a backup plan.. plus no one ever is interested in me that I am attracted to , So I don't get shinys
she' was pretty close to the center of my world, but I hardly rank in hers… just trying to figure out how to deal with it..other than just walking away and being actually alone..
I guess that about sums it up...”

Your partner is breaking the first rule of poly, never allow your secondary (or search there of) to over shadow your primary relationship. The only way that poly will work is if EVERYONE is happy, not just some. In other words, you need to make sure that you are giving both your partners an amount of attention that makes them feel loved. If you can not do that, then you should not be poly.

Let me explain further. Some people are just not able to be poly (even if they are open to the idea of it) because they need more attention of their partner then they can give while looking for or having a 2nd relationship. Nothing wrong with this, its just what they need in a relationship.

If your feeling like a “backup plan” its time to sit them down and tell them so. They simply. like you said. might just be blinded by the shiny and may not realize they are making you feel this way. Tell them so, and ask them to spend more time with you.

Many can relate to this (heck even me) that they don't feel that anyone is interested that they are interested in as well. In a scenes, you both have to be on the look out for both of you. One of the reasons is that its possible that those that would be interested simply do not know that your available. Lets face it, most people think that once someone is in a relationship they are off limits. In a way, some of the relationships that we have had have come from the other partner letting someone know that they can pursue their partner.

So, talk to your partner, tell them how your feeling, let them have a chance to fix it before you walk away. Walking away should be your last option, so that when you do walk away you know that you have done all that you can and are doing so with no regrets.

Keep it kinky!


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Taking your Kink on Vacation.

We all need a vacation from time to time, sometimes those vacations are long enough that we need to get out kink on while away from home. Sometimes that vacation is with people that do not know that you like things a little spicy in bed. Or, worst of all, you don't want to explain why you have 50 feet of rope, three vibrators, 2 knifes and a rubber chicken in your bag to homeland security. Either way, here are some hints as to how to bring your kink on vacation with you.

Scarfs and Nylons: Just like using them when you first started out in your path to learn bondage, these can be your best friend when traveling. No one will suspect that the scarfs your extra thigh highs that you packed are for bondage. Side Note: Never, ever, even think, cross your mind, or entertain the possibility that the fire suppression system sprayers can be used for bondage in ANY way. Trust me on this one...

The Hidden Vibrator: Most adult toy companies make vibrators that are disguised as everyday items like lipstick, a hairbrush, bath scrubbers, heck even your rubber duckies. These are a great way to bring some fun with you and no one but you will know. Just remember to remove the batteries for them toy and back them separately. A vibrating bag on the baggage pick up is bound to draw some unwanted attention.

Pick it up once your there: Some stuff can simple be picked up once you are on vacation, cheaper items like paint mixers, skewers, and the like. These can be bought once you are their and are cheap enough to be left behind once your vacation is over.

Its all in the Hand of the Beholder: There are a few things that you will always have, your hands. Yes, those wonderful appendages that you take with you everywhere. Sometimes in the search for thrills and fun we forget about some of the simplest things that we can use to spice things up. You don't need a paddle, cane, crop or flogger for impact play. A simple spanking with your hand is the simplest and no one will know that you will be using your hands later that night.

There ya go, some simple ways to take your kink with you on vacation.

Keep it Kinky!


Request for Participants: Interviews on BDSM and its effect on trauma and shame.

A very interesting research project dealing with BDSM and its use's as a coping mechanism for sexual trauma and shame. Click here for form.

Here is the main information from the front page.

As a student at Goddard College I am gathering stories from individuals who have experienced sexual trauma and have, either successfully or unsuccessfully, intentionally used BDSM to cope with, treat, or otherwise re-direct their emotions around the issue. BDSM is a compound acronym referring to Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism among other variants in sexual exploration. For the purposes of this survey it is the term used to account for all "alternative" sexual practices related to the mentioned activities.

This interview is being administered under the assumption that you, as the interviewee, have at some point willingly experimented with spanking, being tied up, tying someone up, role playing, and other related activities that may not be detailed in this interview. If discussing these aspects of your experience is not acceptable please feel free to end the interview now. If not, we will begin with some questions to establish a common understanding and build to more personal questions.

With those willing, I would like to do interviews in person or over the phone as available. I will be making personal trips to the San Francisco, Seattle, New York and other areas to hold interviews if enough participants are interested. Phone interviews will be conducted for those unable or uninterested in attending.

The final purpose of this project is to assemble a collected work of stories and experiences that expresses some of the decisions and feelings involved in the various paths people have taken through this. The presentation will be similar to The Vagina Monologues, Pouring Tea, and other collected oral and written histories.

-Tim Murray

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Why, Part 2. Submission.

NOTICE: The blog has been pulled for rewrite, rephrasing, and further explanation.

While I stand by what I wrote, I feel that after some consideration that I might have not explained and expressed it as well as I could have. I appreciate those that have commented and hope that you will comment on the revised version of this post.

Thank you,

-Haven De Lancret

Monday, March 21, 2011

Haven @ DetroitSpace

Just announced, Haven De Lancret will be teaching edge and knife play at DetroitSpace Aug. 13th.

Learn the power and excitement that can be found at the edge of a blade against the skin. Learn the how-to's of using knifes, claws, large blades, and even your own nails in BDSM, sensual scenes and other sexual fun. Feel free to bring your own blades and see of any edge can be used is this way.

For more info, check our DetroitSpace.

Keep it kinky!


Saturday, March 19, 2011

Haven's Favorite Rope Videos

I felt since I am getting into selling bondage rope, that I should share some of my favorite videos from Two Knotty Boys on rope ties.

Double Coin Knot: Great decorative knot that can be easily added to any tie.

Hair Corset: Great for keeping hair out of the way or incorporating into a harness.

Zip Snare: Use this one a lot for tie downs.

Dragonfly Sleeves: Just beautiful when done.

There ya go, enjoy!

Keep it kinky!


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Why, Part 1. Dominance.

NOTICE: The blog has been pulled for rewrite, rephrasing, and further explanation.

While I stand by what I wrote, I feel that after some consideration that I might have not explained and expressed it as well as I could have. I appreciate those that have commented and hope that you will comment on the revised version of this post.

Thank you,

-Haven De Lancret

Monday, March 14, 2011


Yes, Kinky as I am now has a Twitter!


Follow and get the updates on new posts, events, and other fun things.


Sunday, March 13, 2011

An Apology

To my subscribers, I am sorry that I have not been posting much this new year. Life has been interesting in the past few months. But I am making a renewed effort to get back into my writing and will be posting more in future.

Be looking for new posts on Tuesdays.

Thank you for your reading, and for the record. Whats your favorite color?