Friday, March 25, 2011

Feeling Alone in Poly

This question was submitted to me. I feel that others might be dealing with the same issues.

“I was just trying to find people that might have some words of wisdom for someone who finds themselves alone in a poly relationship, the partner is always chasing shinys, leaving me feeling useless and like a backup plan.. plus no one ever is interested in me that I am attracted to , So I don't get shinys
she' was pretty close to the center of my world, but I hardly rank in hers… just trying to figure out how to deal with it..other than just walking away and being actually alone..
I guess that about sums it up...”
-Anonymous

Your partner is breaking the first rule of poly, never allow your secondary (or search there of) to over shadow your primary relationship. The only way that poly will work is if EVERYONE is happy, not just some. In other words, you need to make sure that you are giving both your partners an amount of attention that makes them feel loved. If you can not do that, then you should not be poly.

Let me explain further. Some people are just not able to be poly (even if they are open to the idea of it) because they need more attention of their partner then they can give while looking for or having a 2nd relationship. Nothing wrong with this, its just what they need in a relationship.

If your feeling like a “backup plan” its time to sit them down and tell them so. They simply. like you said. might just be blinded by the shiny and may not realize they are making you feel this way. Tell them so, and ask them to spend more time with you.

Many can relate to this (heck even me) that they don't feel that anyone is interested that they are interested in as well. In a scenes, you both have to be on the look out for both of you. One of the reasons is that its possible that those that would be interested simply do not know that your available. Lets face it, most people think that once someone is in a relationship they are off limits. In a way, some of the relationships that we have had have come from the other partner letting someone know that they can pursue their partner.

So, talk to your partner, tell them how your feeling, let them have a chance to fix it before you walk away. Walking away should be your last option, so that when you do walk away you know that you have done all that you can and are doing so with no regrets.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

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