Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Updated classes

The list of class that I teach has been updated.

Feel free to check it out here

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Monday, November 28, 2011

Dominant vs. Abusive Asshole

This is something that has gotten a lot of talk on some of the forums and social sites, and is mentioned occasionally in some of the many BDSM books that I have read. What is the differences between someone who is Dominant and when the line is crossed into abuse.  I hope to convey what red flags to watch for, when that line is crossed, and to show what is healthy or not.

I come to these thoughts after many years of living in and around the BDSM lifestyle as well as many talks and communications with many leaders in domestic abuse centers.   I have found that while there are somethings that are obvious signs of abuse, a lot of those that teach anti-abuse seminars or are helping those that have been abused see a lot of what happens in a Dominant/submissive as signs of abuse. 

The first point I would like to make is that of Dominance.  Yes, when someone is Dominant, they take control of some or all aspects of another persons life.  The biggest difference here is that this is done with consent of the person giving up that control.  Because that consent is given freely to the Dominant, that consent can be taken away just as freely.  If that consent can not be removed or taken back then that person is no longer being Dominant and it has become abuse.  I make this distinction because control is one of the major signs of an abusive relationship but also within a Dominant/submissive relationship.

Isolation is also a known sign of abuse.  Now I have seen some aspects of isolation within a Dominant relationship.  The distinction comes in how much.  Isolation comes when you are removed from your friends and family, having the feeling of being alone.  I agree that this is abuse.  Now I have seen Dominants that will restrict or stop their submissives contact with some people in their life.  The difference here is that in every one of those cases, there was a very good reason for that contact to be removed.  From "every time you hand out with Scot, you get drunk and do something stupid" to "when you have seen Tammy, she gets you so depressed."  This is not isolation, but usually done for the better of the submissive.  Isolation is the removal of all friends.  Also, no Dominant, no matter what, will not demand removal of your family.

Lastly would be physical abuse.  This can be a sticky subject with most, but that is because most abuse counselors can not fathom that pain can be something that people enjoy.  The difference here does fall back to consent.  If the pain being inflicted is consensual then this is Dominance, if it is not, then it is abuse.  It is really that simple.

I hope that this helps understand the differences between Dominance and abuse.  Comments are always welcome, here or to kinkyasiam@gmail.com.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Ask me anything?

If you look to the right on side bar, you will see a box titled "Ask Me Anything". 

This box will send a question to my account on FormSpring, where I will answer them.  If you click the "Send Anonymous", then it does just that.

Please feel free to ask me any questions that you want.  The best of those will be posted in a blog later.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Friday, November 25, 2011

Sex treated like a crime

So this past week I started looking for news stories about sex and BDSM.  In doing so, I was became most and more pissed by our media and society as a whole here in the USA.  More then 3/4 of the stories that I found from here in the US were about sex crimes, and 1/2 of those were about the drama down in PA.  Out of all the searching I did, I only found a few that were positive about sex.

What the hell people, no wonder people have such a stigma about sex.  Our media focus so much on the negativity around sex that when we go to bed thats all we can think of.  Sex crime this, molester found here, and all this delivered to you every night on the news, in every paper, and in every paper.

While these things still piss me off just as much as the next person, but we don't need to focus on this all the time.  What about the stories about the older couples that are still having an active sex life?  What about a story about the new research on how IUC's might be causing a drop in the infection rate of HPV.  No, that kind of story might, MIGHT, cause people to go out and have more sex! 

No, the media and cultural heads want everyone to think that sex is only between married, heterosexual couples, with the lights off, under the covers, only in the missionary position, and done quickly so no one enjoys it.  This my friends is bullshit!  Sex in fun and pleasurable, sex should be something we all think of in positive thoughts. 

I leave you with this, turn off the news when they start in negatively on sex, toss that paper aside and remember what sex really is.  If you can, write a letter to the editor telling them you want more sex positive stories.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

BDSM, Sex in the news! Nov. 22, 2011

This is the first in what I hope to do once a week.  Bring you links to news articles from around the world the feature BDSM, Sex, Kink, and relationships in the news.  Some I will make my comments on, others I will just post the link and let you decide.

Our first offering comes from the Winnipeg Free Press.  An article titled "No pain, no gain: BDSM Club is Safe, Sane, and Consensual," which talks about a BDSM club in Winnipeg.  I find it refreshing to see this kind of article about BDSM.

Unleashed: The secret world of Britain's dominatrixes 

Mom gets conditional discharge in abuse of son:  Another example of BDSM being used to cover someone being abusive.

Teaching Good Sex:

Principal reports 'possible sex crime' after 2 students kiss:  I am speechless...

Sex education shifts in Texas

The Sex Workout:

Women gamers have more sex, study finds

Study: Sex Puts a Shine on Golden Years 

AboutCurves.Com Is Changing The Shopping Experience With The Addition Of A Shop By Size Page

As always feel free to comment here or send me a message at kinkyasiam@gmail.com.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Monday, November 21, 2011

How to Lick Pussy, Part 2, More Tips

I guess its not surprising, but this is the most commonly asked question I get.  Since I have already wrote a blog about this already (Pussy Licking 101) I feel I should share a few more tips and tricks that I have picked up over the years of going down on women.

  • ABC oral: So this one might sound a bit odd, but it really does work.  If you have ever slipped your way between her thighs to her holy ground, caressing her as you go, and then freeze because you don't know what to do?  This will help, use your tongue to spell out that alphabet in upper case letters.  I know, sounds corning, but it works to get your tongue to move all over her pussy.  If you get to Z, start over, or for fun, try lower case letters.  It doesn't matter, just get that tongue in there and move it, move it!
  • Rhythm: "He moves to fast" is a common complaint from women.  Thing is, fast is good, just not all the time.  Try to lick slowly for a while, around the outer lips, then move in for a fast slice up the middle.  The variation in your speed can increase her pleasure by not knowing what your going to do next.
  • Direction: Unlike driving (Turn here Honey!), being told what and where is OK.  Most men would appreciate a little direction when it comes to oral sex, we are down there to please the girl.  In this, it can be helpful to place a hand in our hair and push or pull slightly to the spot you want to be licked.  This not only tells us what you want, you will get what you want more then likely, and besides, you will feel like a porn star.
  • Ice: For a wild twist, after you have been working her over for awhile, take a piece of ice from the cup of ice water near by (What, you don't have one?  Next time remember to hydrate after sex!), place it in your mouth and continue to lick her pussy, starting with the outer lips.  I warn you, this sometimes can be to much, but it also can be a wonderfully shocking and pleasurable experience. 
  • The Other Parts: When you doing an oral exam of her lower lips, you don't have to restrict yourself to just to her pussy.  Yes, I know, this is about oral sex, but do you ever just eat one food? No, you don't.  Think of this much the same way.  When you are going down on her, feel free to use you hands other places.  If she enjoys having her breasts played with, then reach a hand up and play with them.  If she is into a little spanking, then eat her out while laying on your sides and give her ass a good smack or two.
  • Bondage: Bondage is just great for oral sex, no matter who it is.  When someone is tied down or bound, it is almost like giving them a ticket to let go and enjoy whats happening.  Just make sure that they are bound is such a way that you can still get access to the parts you are going to want to play with.  On the flip side, binding the one that will be doing the licking can take the power out of the their hands (which most agree is where it is during oral sex) and put it back in the hands of the girl.  My only warning about this is, if the person that is bound is going to be doing the licking and they are on the bottom, make sure you let up every once in a while so they can breath.  Refer to my blog on Bondage for more info.
  • Playing the Senses: It is a know fact that when when you remove one sense that the others become heightened.  Since eating a girl out is mostly physical sensation, you can play around with her other senses.  Try blindfolding her, or plug in her MP3 Player to some sexy music for her to listen to.  Just removing her sight and sound from her senses can make it feel like what you are doing to her is more intense.
There you go, some more ideas of how you can please you girl with your oral skills.

As always, if you have any comments feel free to post them here or send me a message at kinkyasiam@gmail.com.

Keep it Kinky!

-Haven 

Friday, November 18, 2011

Whining, The Arsnic of Realationships

If you asked me to name the one thing that can kill a relationship, its whining.  No, doing it once will not do it, but over time, whining is like relationship poison.  Every time it happens its just a little more grinding, every time it wares away at the relationship just a little more.  We have all been there with someone in our life, where they whine all the time, and each time its chips away at us, until it takes the last chip out of the damn and the emotions pour over us like so much muddy water.

The real problem is, that even as we were kids we have been told not to whine, but did anyone ever tell you how what you say is whining, or what you are doing to come across as whining?  I am guessing not.  One of the things that I have realized over the years is that a lot of people don't put a lot of thought into the tone of what they are saying.  Ever hear the phrase "Half of what you say is how you say it?"  This was a phrase that I grew up with, and what it means is that when you speak that half of your message is in the words you use, and the rest is in how you say it with your tone (If you are face to face with someone then also your body language as well.)

So what is whining?  Its hard to explain in words, but here goes.  Whining is usually in a higher pitch, sounds like a plea or a complaint, usually depressed tone, and sometimes is repetitious.  It also makes the person that is hearing the whining or that is getting whined to feel upset, aggravated, or simple to not want to talk to that person any more.  We all have had kids in our lives that have whined at or around us.  That niece at the Thanksgiving table that whines until she gets her stuffing, or that kid in the store whining for a toy, or that damn emo kid on the bus that just won't shut up about how bad his life is with his "normal" parents...

You get my point...

In every one of those examples, the same message could have been conveyed without whining.  So back to romantic relationships, and the most common whine, "I miss you."  By its self, not a usually a problem.  But when you whine it, your message of longing becomes a message of "Its your fault your not here" or, "I WANT MY MOMMY" even if thats not what you meant, thats what whining tells the other person.

Instead, I suggest using up beat, and hopeful tones.  Say things like "Man I can't wait to hold you again" or, "Just you wait, when I see you again, I am never letting go," ok, maybe that last one might seem a bit much, but I think you get the idea.  Whining can take something nice and make it depressing.  I encourage you to listen to yourself, see if your whining, and if you are, STOP IT!

That should do it, as always, comments and messages always welcome.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Monday, November 7, 2011

Erotic Edge Play 101, Bringing them to the Edge


Edge play, knife play, even scratching to a point, can be very erotic to some, if not most people. It can be from the sensation, the risk, the fear, the pain, or a mixture of them. For whatever the reason, this type of fun can bring whole new or different types of sensations and feelings to your erotic escapades.  

WARNING

Playing with any sharp blade can be dangerous, just like your mother always told you, and you can hurt yourself and others if you are not careful. So whenever you play with any sharp edge, be aware of your surroundings. Make sure that you are sure you are not going to slip when using the blade, either when kneeling or standing. Also be sure of where you are using the knife that you won't be bumped or bump into anything (I know, but stepping back onto something then falling forward, stabbing your partner is not as fun as it sounds). To this end, I do not recommend using any blade in a crowded area, such as a crowded party.  Last bit of safety, make sure your blades are clean before each use, or make sure you only use the blade for play. While giving your partner the staff is fun, a staph infection is not.  Keep some disinfecting wipes or a clean wash cloth handy, just in case.

Now that we have that out of the way, on to the kinky fun! For whatever the reason that you or your partner are playing on the sharp edge, let’s get to the how's. Granted there are lots of ways that you can use an edge, but in the end it’s really boils down to scratching, cutting, and piercing. Scratching would be taking the tip of the blade while holding it almost perpendicular to the skin, or your nails, and scratching down the skin. I find that this works really well on a single edge blade, and pulling towards the sharpened side. Cutting is really not cutting (unless that is what your bottom consented to) but is using the sharper edge of the blade across the skin. Piercing, as it sounds, is pushing just the point of the blade into the skin, NOT stabbing them, but just breaking the skin with the tip.

How edge play differs from say, just cutting, is all in pressure.  With just a little to no pressure, letting the blades own weight, you can give the sensation of the cold metal on the skin, and sometimes even the mental effect of cutting with only breaking the first 2 layers of skin.  The more pressure you use, the deeper the cut or scratch.  Play around with this, starting soft and increasing the pressure to see what your bottom likes.  There is a fine line between "oohhh" and "You cut me you son of a bitch!"

We have the how’s, now the real fun, the where. Where can you use an edge on the body, anywhere! Yup, that’s right. As long as you are not slicing your bottom up like a lion eating a wildebeest, then you really can use it anywhere. Granted everyone is different, and where they may like to have an edge used can vary from person to person. Some common places that are enjoyable include, the upper back/shoulders, inner forearms, inner thigh, and back of neck. Some others, but not as common are the feet, front of neck, and ears. Now I know what you are thinking, and yes you can use them on the naughty bits, just be VERY careful for these are the most sensitive of body parts. 

The last part to cover would be how to hold the edged toy you are using.  This depends a lot on what kind you’re using, a knife, a sword, a sharpened claw, etc.  The best way is whatever feels the most comfortable for you and what part of the body you are using it on.  I find that with most knives I will hold them as they should be when cutting steak, other times I will hold it like I would a pencil when writing.

As with any kind of play that can be painful, it is better to have the bottom warmed up or even aroused.  This arousal endorphins running thought their blood highway, the pain will feel that much better.

That’s it, and if you have any questions please feel free to comment or send me a message at KinkyAsIam@gmail.com.


Keep it kinky!

-Haven

Friday, November 4, 2011

Seduction after marriage...

Remember seeing that attractive person across the room, walking up them, talking with them, showing the best side of you, playing with your hair or making sure they had your undivided attention. All those things that you did to seduce that person so that they would go home with you?

Yes, you remember. Well that doesn't have to end after marriage, in fact, it shouldn't. It is an unfortunate thought in our culture that once your married that the courtship ends. We might stop taking care of ourselves, stop doing those little things for our SO that we did to win them over, stop seducing them, like we have won some race and now can sit on the bench.

This is not the case at all.

This ties into the keeping a relationship alive. They fell in love with you doing those things, so when you stop doing those things for them it can feel like you no longer care about them. Think of it less like a race and more like a car. You can go for a while one what you already did, but eventually you have to put more gas in to go further.

Just remember that you need to keep seducing your lover even after.

Keep it kinky!

-Haven