Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Polyamorous, another round

This will be a continuation of my thoughts on poly relationships, or non-monogamous relationships (thank you Ethical Slut for that one).  My first blogs on poly can be found here: Polyamorous, lovers of many... and Feeling Alone in Poly.  I would suggest reading them first so that you have a base for my further thoughts, but that is just a suggestion.

In the past few months I have been asked a lot of questions and discussions about non-monogamy.  These have lead me to do some deep thinking on the topic, on what makes poly work or doesn't, what works for others and me.  What I have found is that while my original blogs are still true, I found some ideas that I wanted to share.

I write the following towards established relationships that are looking to explore non-monogamy, or those that are single and looking for the joys of multiple relationships.  I do this because it is very rare to find both of your partners at the same time, or more commonly, advice for the third party is absent in more literature that I have found.

Needs, we all have them, some are easy to fill, others are not.  We can try to find one person that fills all those needs, or find someone that fills most of them and know that some will never be.  On the other hand, if you had two or more partners to fill those needs, you would not need to find one person to fill them all.  You could have some meet by one partner and the rest filled by the other.  In the end, you have all your needs met, feel happier and more fulfilled.

These needs could be a bisexual that has to only be with a partner of one sex.  It could be a hobby that you want to share, like biking or running, that you would like to have someone close to do that hobby with.  Again, it also could be that you are the type of person that needs to be around people and having that other partner allows you to have be close to one of your partners at all times without smothering them.

Another part of non-monogamy that I feel gets left off is the "third", or the other partner since most (but not all) non-monogamous relationships are an established couple looking to bring in another.  There are those that are poly from the get go and go into all there relationships knowing they are, but it has been my experience that they are less common.

That being said, one of the issues that I hear fairly often is that people that don't have time to date, or they feel they don't have the time to give to a relationship.  While I can understand this, for those that feel they do not have enough time to give someone else in a relationship might find that being a partner to someone that is poly can give them that connection that they want, and as long as that time constraints are discussed and known before hand, can be rewarding to everyone.  It gives that 3 year med student a relationship to call upon when needed, but also the knowledge that they do not feel they are neglecting that relationship.

Unfortunately, there was one dark mark that I wish to address.  When in a non-monogamous relationship, you can not force it.  If someone forces a poly relationship upon a partner that is not fully open and agreeing to it, animosity can happen.  This animosity might not even be directed at the partner or the established relationship, but upon any person that is brought into the relationship.  If there is animosity with in the partners, then there will be issues that will come up.  If one of the partners is upset, then that has to be dealt with and should take priority over all else.  For if these issues and animosities are not, then you will see one if not both of the relationships end.  If there is any doubts, concerns, of even if you feel uneasy, sit down and talk about them.  If your just uneasy, then talk about it but also remember that if this is new, any time you step outside your comfort zone that uneasiness is possible.  So, DO NOT FORCE NON-MONOGAMY ON SOMEONE!

I know that there is so much more that I could write, but I will leave at this for now.  As always comments and questions are welcome, and can be done anonymously.  If you would prefer, you can always use the comment box to the right, or send your comments or questions directly to me at

Keep it kinky!



  1. I think a better rule is 'Do not force anything on someone, unless they request it'

    1. Jack, while in most situations I would agree with you, but when it comes to non-monogamy I have to disagree. I do not think anyone would want to have cheating forced upon them, which non-consensual non-monogamy is.

      Granted there are as many types of relationships as there stars, so I may be wrong.

  2. ... Yes, then we are in agreement. Don't force anything on anyone.